Love Is Bad
by Jon Carp
Summary: Low comedy, deep character development, and postmodern experimentation... plus a very special guest-appearance from David Letterman. It's safe to say that Usagi/Mamoru fans probably won't like it, but everyone else, come on down!


Love is Bad  
A Sailor Moon fanfic by Jon Carp  
address: jcarp@med.unc.edu  
  
  
This was inspired by the anime series Sailor Moon, which I   
own. Sailors Moon, Mars, Venus, Jupiter, Mercury, Pluto,   
Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune, Luna, Artemis, and Crystal   
Tokyo are all owned by me. Urawa Ryo is owned by Victor   
Naqvi, and is used with permission. Sailor Earth is owned   
by Naoko Takeuchi. Sue me if you can find me, you   
bastards! Jon Carp isn't even my real name!   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of   
the young, the habituation of the middle aged, and the   
mutual dependence of the old.—John Ciardi  
  
  
  
  
I am Assface!—Conan O'Brien  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
Sailor Mars laughed. She liked to laugh, even more   
than Saturn did. A few people found it irritating, but   
most thought it was charming. Some, even sexy.  
She was laughing as a joke Ragen had told her. The   
joke wasn't all that funny to begin with, and had long   
since lost what humor it originally had, but neither of   
them cared; they were having far too much fun with the   
exhilarating, shared guffaws.  
Ragen was her best friend. They had grown up   
together. By her request, he had come with her from Mars   
to the moon, and he had adjusted well to life in the   
palace. He was popular, especially among the young   
ladies.  
He didn't ever seem to be interested in them,   
though. What he liked most of all was spending time with   
his best friend Mars, for whom he had a great deal of   
platonic love.  
"I love ya, Mars," he said sometimes. "I love ya."   
And he meant every word of it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
John poked his dinner. It opened up and red stuff   
oozed out.  
"You gonna eat that?" the very fat man next to him   
asked.   
"No, go ahead." The fat man grabbed John's food and   
happily placed it on his own tray.  
"Excuse me," John request to a passing stewardess.   
"Can I have another ginger ale, please?" Smiling   
politely, she ignored him.  
The small television screen blinked to life,   
displaying an FBI warning message. After a few seconds,   
the movie began. It was Sleepless in Seattle.  
"I love this movie!" the fat man exclaimed.  
John sighed. It was going to be a long, long   
flight.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past   
  
Sailor Venus grinned and ran a hand through her   
short blonde hair. Uranus shook her head. "I'm not used   
to this lighter gravity," she said.   
"I know," Venus said, checking the ball to her   
opponent. "You're flying all over the place."  
Uranus checked it back. "At least I can dunk," she   
said with a smirk. Venus responded by driving past her   
friend and getting an easy finger-roll.  
"This game sucks," Uranus muttered.  
A young man who had been watching began to applaud.   
"Very nice," he commented. "You certainly have some   
skills, don't you?"  
"Yes, I certainly do," Venus answered, throwing the   
ball to Uranus. "Game, Uranus?"  
"Game. I'll see you. Gotta go beat Mercury at   
chess." She walked off whistling.  
"She knows perfectly well how bad she's going to   
lose," Venus remarked.   
The man smiled, his eyes shone. "You're the senshi   
of Venus, aren't you?"  
"Yup." She reached out her hand.   
"Nice to meet you," he said, taking her hand and   
shaking it. "The name is Forrde. I'm a representative   
from Venus."  
Venus smiled. "Nice to see a fellow Veener. I'd   
challenge you to a game, but she took the ball."  
Forrde laughed. "That's okay," he said. I'd have   
no chance against you, anyway."  
"Do you play air hockey?" she asked brightly.  
"I'm only the greatest player ever born."  
She grinned at him. "The table is that way."  
They played. She won, but he let her. Then he won,   
but she let him.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
Michiru had a new boyfriend.  
He was damn cute, as Rei and Makoto noticed   
immediately. He strutted into the cafe like a proud   
stone god, and they would have commented on his   
attractiveness, had they not realized the identity of   
the girl who was holding his hand.  
"Huh," Makoto remarked. "That's... interesting."  
Michiru waved at them, and said something to the   
cute guy. They waved back. "Am I really seeing this?"   
Rei asked, still waving at the couple.  
"Yes, you are," Makoto replied. "I wonder what..."  
Haruka walked in. She scanned the cafe, saw   
Michiru, and smiled. Then she saw Michiru's new   
boyfriend. She smiled wider, walked up to them, kissed   
Michiru on the cheek, and hugged Boyfriend, patting him on   
the back as she did so.  
Rei and Makoto blinked. Haruka said something to   
her friends, and then walked over to the younger girls as   
the others waited in line to order.  
"Hey," Haruka said. "How's that, huh?"  
"Who... is he?" Makoto asked.  
"Name's Geordie. He's some kind of modern artist   
from Europe. She's had a crush on him for a while, now."  
"And they're dating?" Makoto asked.  
"Yep." Haruka grinned. "Have been for about a   
week. They're sickeningly cute together, doncha think?"   
She indicated them. They were holding hands and talking   
with their foreheads touching. "Hey, cut that out, you   
two!" Haruka called. "People are trying to enjoy their   
meals!"  
"So am I," Boyfriend called back. Haruka chuckled.  
Rei and Makoto nodded silently for a few seconds.   
"You certainly are taking this well, Haruka," Rei said   
eventually.  
"Why shouldn't I?" Haruka said. "She's so happy.   
Just between you guys and me, I was beginning to think she   
wasn't ever going to find a man."  
"So you actually APPROVE of this?" Makoto asked.  
"Sure. He's a great guy. Not quite worthy of   
Michiru, but who is? He's a good start."  
Rei shook her head in bewilderment. "But...but I   
always thought you two were... uh... y'know..."  
"What?"  
"Y'know," Makoto helpfully added, making a fairly   
obscene hand gesture.   
"What?"   
"Um... lesbians."  
Haruka laughed. "Well, I am," she said. "I mean,   
look at me. She's not, though. She just never really   
cared about dating before, what with all the threats to   
the senshi and taking care of Hotaru. But now she has   
time to actually get going on some of that stuff."  
"You don't understand what we meant," Makoto said.   
"We meant that we always thought you two were lesbians...   
together."  
Haruka blinked in surprise. "Together? Me and   
Michiru? God, no. She's like my sister. We don't look   
at each other that way."  
"Oh," Rei said. Makoto agreed.  
"You really thought we were... lovers?" Haruka   
asked.   
"Yes," Makoto answered. "Everyone does, actually."  
"That's very strange," Haruka commented.   
"Hello," Michiru said, walking up with her   
boyfriend. "Makoto, Rei, I'd like you to meet Geordie."  
Geordie smiled. "Nice to meet you," he stated in   
clear Japanese.   
"Like...wise," Rei said, looking from one grinning   
face to another.  
Geordie turned to Michiru. "These are two of   
the..." Michiru nodded. Geordie smiled, and looked back   
at the younger girls. "I've heard a lot about you," he   
said, reaching out and shaking their hands, which were   
limp from bewilderment, "and I would just like to   
personally thank you for saving the world all those   
times."   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
John watched as a single gray suitcase went around   
and around the conveyor belt. It was not his.   
He would ask about where his bags did end up, but he   
still couldn't speak the language. He had no clothes, no   
costume, no belongings at all except the stuff in his   
carry-on. He couldn't shop without a vocabulary.  
The gray suitcase kept going around and around. No   
one had claimed it for about forty-five minutes. Glancing   
about furtively, he grabbed it on its next pass and   
quickly walked away.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
"Okay," Jupiter said. "Here's what I don't   
understand. You're at a bar in downtown Crystal Tokyo,   
and you expect no one to know who you are?"  
"I didn't think anyone would recognize me," Venus   
said sadly. "My hair's all different, I wasn't wearing my   
uniform..."  
"Yeah, but you're Sailor Venus. I'm surprised they   
didn't have a poster of you up on the wall."  
Venus sighed. "It's not fair. You go out all night   
a couple of times a week, and I can't even have one   
cocktail without being mobbed."  
Jupiter chuckled. "That's what you get for being   
the blonde. Me, I let my hair down, and I'm just another   
big, quiet chick you don't mess with. Nobody ever gets   
close enough to notice who I am, and when they do, they're   
too afraid to do anything about it."  
Venus blinked. "What's the point, if you just sit   
there?"  
"Oh, I don't know," Jupiter replied. "Just getting   
out. I don't like being cooped up here all the time."  
"I know exactly what you mean."  
"No, you don't," Jupiter muttered. "You got the   
'love of your life' right here with you. Some of us are   
still alone, remember?"  
Venus rolled her eyes. "Jeez, Jupiter, just pick a   
guy. Who wouldn't love a senshi?"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
General Harold threw down the newspaper in disgust.   
His Dark Master was peeved enough already about being   
repeatedly defeated by those horrible girls, but how would   
he take being referred to as "Japan's supernatural threat   
o' the month" by USA Today?  
It wouldn't be pretty.  
His Dark Master cared about his image more than   
anything else in the universe. If he had killed two   
generals for laughing at his speech impediment, this   
insult was more than enough reason for Harold to fear for   
his life.  
In the next battle, one of the senshi would have to   
die. It didn't matter which, but if he could take out   
just one of them, it would be enough to convince his Dark   
Master that he was worthy of continued existence.  
He called together his strongest monsters. It would   
all be decided tonight.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
John eyed the clothes in the suitcase. It had been   
a man's, thank god, but none of the clothes actually fit.   
He sighed, and considered going to the next room and   
asking for a tie. Not that anyone in this country   
understood him when he talked.   
Oh well. Even if his clothes sucked, his actions   
would make him respectable. His attitude.   
"I am a confident person," he repeated to himself   
several times. Then he thought of Amanda, who only two   
weeks ago had ripped his heart out and thrown it in his   
face, and he started to cry.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
From People Magazine's "Ten Most Intriguing People   
of 4006":  
  
#8: SAILOR MERCURY  
  
There's just something so darn CUTE about her, isn't   
there? No one else could fight to save the world with   
such a sweet, girl-next-door smile on her face. The blue   
hair and eyes, the shyness, the intelligence--Mercury is   
every smart guy in the world's crush.  
"I just like to learn, and help people who need it,"   
says the genius soldier. "And fight evil," she adds as an   
afterthought.  
And that's exactly how we know her: the cute, smart,   
kind girl we'll always love. The fact that she's helping   
to save the planet doesn't hurt, either.  
  
  
#5: SAILOR URANUS  
  
She's big, she's hot, she's out. Tell her a joke,   
she'll probably laugh. Ask her for an autograph, she'll   
sign it. Mispronounce her name, she'll knock your teeth   
out.  
Everyone's favorite masculine senshi started as one   
of the least popular, but since Neo-Queen Serenity took   
power, she has developed a huge following, rivaling even   
that of Sailor Venus. How does the outer senshi explain   
this? "When I really believe in something, I'm not afraid   
to hold back, and people respect that," she says. "Plus,   
as [Sailor Neptune] knows, I'm pretty damn charming."  
  
  
  
#2: SAILOR VENUS  
  
Call her airheaded, if you must. Gawk, if you can't   
help it. Love her, like everyone else does.   
Her face is on TV's across the world, her voice is   
known to every single person on the planet who owns a   
radio, her fame blows away every other celebrity of all   
time. Sailor Venus is possibly THE most recognized human   
being ever.  
She gives one of her trademark dazzling smiles, and   
she winks, as the world lets off a collective sigh. We   
can't help loving her.   
  
  
  
#1: NEO QUEEN SERENITY  
  
Well, she's not QUITE as famous as Sailor Venus, but   
she did wake the world from a 2000 year-long sleep and set   
up a planet-wide utopia in less than a year. That should   
count for something.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
General Harold paced in front of his monsters.   
"This is the most important battle you have ever been in,   
or ever will be in," he barked. "This battle will mark   
the turning-point in our Dark Master's war against this   
pitiful planet.   
"There will be two teams. One, made up of four   
soldiers and one officer, will begin attacking our target:   
Mama's Pet Shop. When the senshi arrive, the second team,   
led by me, will close in behind them. Concentrate all   
fire-power on the dark-haired one. Repeat, concentrate   
all fire-power on the dark-haired one. Any questions?"  
"NO SIR!" the monsters bellowed in unison.  
"Very well. I have faith in all of you."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
Ragen laughed a little bit, but his face suddenly   
became serious. "No," he said. "I don't think you   
understood. I LOVE YOU, Mars."  
Sailor Mars stopped laughing.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
  
At precisely six twenty-five PM, the first team of   
five monsters arrived in the pet store. Apart from   
scaring the dickens out of the little old shopkeeper, they   
accomplished nothing.  
The old man ran out into the street, frantically   
telling the first passer-by he saw that monsters were   
invading his store.  
The passer-by stopped and asked what the monsters   
were doing.  
The shopkeeper blinked. "Uh, nothing, really," he   
replied. "Just standing around, I guess."  
  
One of the monsters drummed its fingers against a   
large bag of dog food. "Uh, what are we supposed to be   
doing now?" it asked.  
"Waiting for the senshi to come," another answered.  
"Oh." The monster was silent for a minute. "How   
long is it going to be?"  
"I don't know. They're supposed to be already here,   
like walking by, or something."   
The second monster sighed.   
Several minutes passed.  
"I don't think it's supposed to take this long," the   
first monster muttered.  
"We could start making some noise," another monster   
suggested. "Banging stuff together. That might attract   
some attention."  
"Yeah. Do that."  
Another monster shook its head sadly. "This is   
pathetic," it grumbled.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
Mars blinked. She realized suddenly that her lips   
had been pressed against Ragen's for about ten minutes.  
He pulled away. "Sorry," he said, blushing.  
Mars shook her head. "No, don't be. It... it's my   
fault."  
There was an embarrassed silence that lasted about   
ten seconds. Then they got bored of that, and started   
kissing again.  
"Morry," Ragen said into Mars's mouth.  
"Shuddup."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
Setsuna looked questioningly at Haruka. "Wait a   
minute," she said. "You mean you two AREN'T lovers?"  
"No!" Haruka yelled. "Why does everyone think   
that?!"  
"I don't know. It probably has something to do with   
the fact that you're always walking around flirting with   
each other."  
Haruka sighed. "Did we ever SAY we were lovers?   
Did you ever see us kissing? Did you ever see us do   
anything that a couple of good friends wouldn't do?"  
"No, I suppose not," Setsuna said. "Huh. I've   
thought you two were lovers all this time."  
"Well, you were wrong." Haruka sniffed. "Clear?"  
"You mean absolutely nothing ever happened between   
you two?" Setsuna asked. "Awkward silences? Lingering   
glances at each other's bodies? Flirtatious grins?"  
"No. Not a one."  
Setsuna raised her right eyebrow. "Good," she said.   
"Very good."  
"Whatever," Haruka said. "Anyway, I gotta go soon.   
Date."  
"Really? Who?"  
"I dunno, some friend of Geordie's. I got   
embarrassed about being a third wheel, so they set me up."  
"That should be okay. Knowing Geordie, she's   
probably smart, artistic, and pretty."  
Haruka nodded. "Yup. Don't get your hopes up,   
though, Setsuna. I still don't think I'm ready to get   
started on that whole romance business."  
"Of course not," Setsuna replied. "Have a good   
time."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
Ragen lay next to Mars, staring up at the stars,   
brightly shining in the utterly black sky. "Beautiful,"   
he remarked.  
"Thanks," Mars replied.  
They kissed again.  
A few kilometers away, Venus and Forrde lay on their   
backs, staring at each other. "Beautiful," Forrde   
remarked.  
"Yes, it is, isn't it?" Venus replied.  
They kissed again.  
Ragen stroked Mars's cheek softly. "I really do   
love you," he said. "You are more important than anything   
else in the world to me."  
She blushed. "I love you, too."  
"I want to be with you forever," he whispered. "I   
want us never to be separated."  
"We won't," Mars said, kissing him lightly on the   
lips. If he hadn't been completely drunk, she might have   
been worried about where this was leading.  
"Good," he responded. "I couldn't stand being apart   
from you...really. I couldn't stand it."   
Mars didn't respond. She just laughed. She laughed   
and laughed. Ragen stood up and backed away. "What are   
you doing?" he asked. "Why are you laughing like that?"  
Mars stopped laughing. Then she turned into a   
gigantic octopus. Ragen screamed and ran away, with the   
mollusk in hot pursuit.   
  
John's eyes shot open as he yelped and sat up in his   
hotel bed. He stared off in space for a few seconds,   
shaking off the effect of the nightmare, and then he stood   
up and went to get himself a free drink from the honor   
bar.  
Another Sailor Mars/octopus dream. What could they   
mean?  
He glanced out the window at the darkening horizon.   
He would have to go out soon.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
Sailor Uranus lay on the couch, not looking at the   
psychiatrist. "Well?" he asked. "Anything happen over   
the week?"  
"I broke up with Liz," Uranus answered.   
"Why did you do that?"  
"I don't know," Uranus said nervously. "Nothing   
really seemed right with her."  
"Did you love her?"  
Uranus fidgeted on the couch. "Yes. I mean, I   
LOVED her, but I wasn't IN love with her, y'know?"  
"No, I don't."  
She laughed nervously. "I... I really don't know   
what I mean myself. She was gorgeous, and funny, and   
smart... I should have loved her. But I didn't feel very   
much when I was around her. I shouldn't be guilty about   
this, I guess. She'll find somebody who loves her as much   
as she deserves, right?"  
"Do you think she was in love with you?"  
"Probably," Uranus said uncomfortably. "Can we talk   
about something else?"  
"Sure. What do you want to talk about?"  
She thought for a minute. "Well, since last week's   
hypnosis session I've started remembering more of that   
past life."  
"Really? And what do you remember?"  
"Neptune, mainly. Just some of my thoughts   
connected to her."  
"Huh. Can you give me any examples?"  
Uranus sighed. "Mostly thoughts of the future. I   
had a very clear fantasy of how we were going to die."  
"Morbid."  
She laughed nervously. "Yeah. We were going to go   
down protecting the moon. Together. I can see myself   
imagining over and over that we would be killed with one   
shot, collapse onto each other, whisper one last testament   
of love, and die bravely in each other's arms. That was   
the plan, anyway."  
"And did that happen?"  
Uranus sighed. "I think she was married to some guy   
the whole time. So no."  
"Hmmmm."  
"And don't go reading anything into that, doctor!"   
Uranus snapped. "I've told you before, I'm not in love   
with her! I may have been then, but I'm not now!"  
"All right. Don't be defensive."  
She snorted. "You would be, too, if you were me,   
and had to put up with all those rumors your entire life.   
But no, the real problem isn't her. I have a wonderful   
relationship with her."  
"Then what's the problem?"  
"It's everyone else," she said sadly. "Over the   
course of my romantic life, I have made about twenty women   
fall in love with me, and yet I've always felt nothing for   
any of them. I'm beginning to doubt that I'm ever going   
to fall in love."  
"Why do you think that is?"  
"I've got a theory about that, actually."  
"So do I."  
She scowled, but otherwise ignored his comment. "I   
think the senshi weren't supposed to have romance in their   
lives. I think we're incapable of falling in love. Think   
about it! Mars and Venus are fooling themselves and   
everyone knows it. Even Neptune can't stay with a man for   
more than a month. It's a curse. So we won't be   
distracted from our duties."  
"Makes sense to me."  
She raised an eyebrow. "I do not appreciate your   
sarcasm," she said. "It's a good theory. It's logical."  
"It certainly is. Plus, coming up with it is much   
easier than re-examining your life, I'm sure."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
Ami blinked. "She TOLD him?"  
"She told him." Rei shook her head. "I hate this.   
The entire situation is just too weird for me."  
"Let me get this straight," Ami said. "Michiru goes   
and tells her boyfriend of two weeks that we are the   
senshi, and Haruka has no problem with it?"   
"That's basically the situation."  
"But why?"  
Rei shrugged. "Damned if I know. They're probably   
excited because Michiru thinks she's in love with this   
guy, which apparently makes it okay to trust him."  
"That makes no sense, though," Ami protested.   
"They've never done anything that suggested they would   
respond to this situation in the way they have."  
"Love makes you do strange things," Rei said.  
"I don't like it," Ami muttered. "This is   
completely out of character for them. Completely out of   
character."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
Dave tapped his little card against his desk and   
grinned at the camera.  
"Welcome back to the Late Show, kids. It's drop   
stuff out the window night again, and what have we got up   
there now, Bill?"  
The camera cut to a grinning intern. "We got two   
hundred wieners!" he exclaimed.  
"Uh oh!" Dave said. "Let 'er rip, there, Bill."  
Bill and two other interns dumped three large drums   
full of wieners out onto the street. They made a mighty   
splat when they hit. The audience exploded.  
"Ha ha ha!" Dave laughed. "Ha ha! Yeah, that's   
great. We'll be doin' that all night, folks. Ahem." He   
took on a deep, newscaster voice. "And now for a serious   
subject... ahem... ladies and gentlemen, now for a serious   
subject," (it was the fifth time that night he had put on   
a deep, newscaster voice and said, "And now for a serious   
subject") "later tonight, actor Andre Braugher and   
musical/dance group Stomp will be with us. But my first   
guest tonight is one of those pretty sailor-suited   
warriors for love and justice. You all know who they are.   
Now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, the lovely...   
uh oh. Hey, Paul, think she'll kick my ass for calling   
her 'lovely'?"  
"Um, I wouldn't worry about it," Paul said.  
"Folks, you may be in luck. Tonight, live and in   
color, you may see me, David Letterman, getting my ass   
kicked."  
The audience cheered wildly.  
"Ha ha ha! Heh... ahem, and now for a serious   
subject. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my first   
guest, the lovely, the intimidating, the woman who's going   
to kick my ass, Sailor Uranus."  
The audience again cheered wildly.  
Sailor Uranus strode out onto the set, shaking   
Dave's hand, whispering something in his ear, and then   
sitting down in the chair closest to the desk.  
She took a sip of the water and waved at the crowd.   
"Hey," she said. "Thanks."  
Dave grinned. "Now, before we start, let's get   
something straight. Are you going to kick my ass?"  
She chuckled. "Nope. You're not exactly part of   
the news media, Dave, and I only beat up the news media."   
Once again, the audience cheered wildly.  
Uranus grinned. "Actually, no. I mean, I get angry   
at this one guy and kick him in the head, and all of a   
sudden I'm the violent one. It did shut up all those   
tabloids, though."  
Dave chuckled. "And, just out of curiosity, if   
you're not the violent one, who is?"  
"Mercury. She's got a bitch-slap like you wouldn't   
believe."  
"Heh heh heh. You really are a lovely, lovely   
woman."  
"Okay, that's enough of that," she said, as coolly   
as always. "Don't overstep your goofy charm there, Dave."  
Dave took it in stride. "Okay, now. Just don't   
kick my ass. Ha ha! Let me compliment you on your   
English, by the way."  
"Thanks." Uranus took another sip of her mug.   
"Yeah, I've known English for years. A couple of the   
other senshi have had problems with it, but I never found   
languages that difficult."  
Dave nodded. "Okay," he said. "Let me get the   
whole situation straight. Because, there are some of   
us... slow types who never really understood the details   
of exactly what the hell happened. Some evil villain guy   
puts the world into suspended animation for two thousand   
years. Then, Queen Serenity, the ruler of Crystal Tokyo,   
defeats the villain, turns the planet into a surrealistic   
utopia, wakes everybody up, and sends all the psychos out   
in space somewhere. And this is the reason I haven't been   
mugged in a year and a half?"  
"I would guess that's more the work of the fine New   
York Police Department," Uranus said. "Y'know, I really   
like this city. It's more exciting than Crystal Tokyo.   
And it's got a fragrance that really makes you glad to be   
alive."  
"Yeah, that would be vomit," Dave said.  
"Then you New Yorkers must have one hell of a diet,"   
Uranus quipped, grinning.  
"Yeah," Dave said, trying to skip past the boring   
chit-chat. "So, what's this I hear about you and a   
certain young model?"  
Uranus blinked. "Um... I'm not sure. Enlighten   
me."  
"I don't know anything, really," he said. "It's   
just a rumor. They give me these cards and tell me to ask   
these questions, I don't know what they say."  
Uranus smiled nervously. "Actually, I have an   
announcement to make tonight that may put a stop to all   
those rumors," she said. "I mean, if you'll let me make   
it here."  
"I sure ain't stopping you," Dave said. "Americans   
likes surprise announcements."  
"Okay. Um... I... man, this is... this is harder   
to say than I thought."  
"Just relax," Dave suggested. "Pay no attention to   
the gazillions of people watching at home. This is an   
intimate gathering of a few close friends. Heh heh."  
Uranus took a deep breath and a sip of her mug. She   
looked the camera straight on. "Well," she said, "I... am   
straight."  
One guy in the audience started to cheer wildly, but   
shut up quickly when he realized everyone around him was   
silent. And for quite possibly the first time in his life   
when not confronted with a pair of bared breasts, David   
Letterman was speechless.  
"I've just been examining my life, and trying to   
figure out the truth about myself, and... I realized that   
I'm... um... a heterosexual. Now, I appreciate the   
support I have gotten from gay and lesbian groups who have   
looked up to me as a role model, and I will continue to do   
everything in my power to fight for their rights, but I   
can't continue to list myself among them. I know now that   
that's just not the way I was born. I'm sorry, but I'm   
not gay."  
She looked at Dave expectantly. "Whew," he said.   
"Uh... whew. What's that? Oh, uh, ladies and gentlemen,   
it's time for a commercial break, we'll be right back   
with... more from Sailor Uranus."  
Paul and the band started playing, the camera panned   
back, and they cut to commercial.  
Dave took a deep breath. He took a sip out of his   
mug, looked over at Sailor Uranus, and hugged her as hard   
as he could. "Thank you!" he bellowed. "Let's see that   
asshole Jay beat THIS!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
SPECIAL NOTE TO FANFIC REVIEWERS  
  
We would like to make a brief interruption to offer   
several handy words and phrases for use in a review of   
this story:   
Excellent. Compelling. Unforgettable. Shocking. On par   
with "Secrets". Sexy. A real tearjerker. A real laugh-  
riot. Masterpiece. The funniest fic since "Innocence in   
A Minor". Another shining example of Jon Carp's   
brilliance. Smart and funny. Because of the mind-  
numbingly low standard we hold for fanfics, this one is   
absolutely incredible. Jon took a gamble with this fic,   
and it yielded great results. Beautifully written. Wow!   
The King Kong of fanfiction. An A+ in my grade book.   
Better than Titanic. Hip. Mesmerizing. Color me   
impressed! Epic. God Himself could not have written a   
better fanfic.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
Sailor Neptune hated her husband, but she couldn't   
tell anybody. He was handsome, smart, kind, and funny.   
He loved her more than anything else in the world. And   
yet she hated him.   
"You hate him, don't you?" Venus asked.  
Neptune blinked. "What?"  
"Well, you don't love him, that's for sure," Venus   
said sadly. "Why?"  
Neptune couldn't think of a thing to say.   
"I know what love looks like, Neptune. I am the   
senshi of love, and as such I have an inherent sense of   
it. Plus, I have found the most handsome, smart, kind,   
funny guy of all time, and he loves me more than anything   
else in the world."  
Neptune raised her left eyebrow. "Yeah, that's   
sweet and all," she said, "but I'm starting to believe   
nobody's THAT perfect. No man, anyway."  
"Forrde is," Venus replied happily. "And so are a   
lot of people. Perfection is in no way an uncommon   
quality, when love is involved. If you don't love your   
husband, I mean you really don't love him, then get a   
divorce. There are plenty of people who would kill for a   
chance with you."  
Neptune sighed. "I'm so jealous of you and the   
perfect love you have found. I mean, everyone is. Except   
Uranus, but who knows what the hell's wrong with her."   
"You probably should get a divorce, Neptune. If you   
were forced into an unfair, loveless, political marriage   
by your domineering parents, the rulers of Neptune, and it   
really is making you unhappy because your heart actually   
belongs to another, possibly female, person, then escape   
as soon as you can."  
Neptune began to weep, showing her true feelings of   
depression. Venus put her arm around her in a friendly   
manner. "It's okay," she comforted. "We are senshi,   
which means we are like sisters to each other, because we   
fight together and are loving. So, even though you may go   
through some hard times, we will always be here for you."  
"I know and appreciate that," Neptune sniffled.   
"But it is hard to see sometimes, when one feels utterly   
hopeless and lost, that one has friends as kind as you,   
Venus."  
"It will be okay," Venus said. They hugged in the   
most sensual platonic manner possible, and then Neptune   
went up to bed.   
Venus waited a minute, then also went up to   
Neptune's bed.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
The old shopkeeper stuck his head back in the pet   
store. "I... I'm sorry, gentlemen," he said. "Did you   
want to buy something? I'm afraid you startled me, but if   
you wish to make a purchase, or need any help, I'm here...   
um... are you interested in our special on dying pets?   
Take one home today, let your kids have a nice little   
funeral, while teaching them an important lesson about   
mortality."  
"Piss off," one of the monsters snarled.  
"You're not planning on... eating any of those   
animals, are you?" the shopkeeper asked.  
"Shut up and piss off!" the monster yelled, throwing   
a birdseed bell in the general direction of the door. The   
shopkeeper shrieked and did as he was told.  
"Screw this!" a monster bellowed. He got out a   
phonebook and started flipping through it. "Here we go,   
Hikawa Shrine, right there in the yellow pages." He   
picked up the phone receiver and started dialing.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
Sailor Venus and Forrde lay next to each other,   
performing possibly the cutest of all romantic activities,   
cuddling. "My god," Forrde muttered.  
Venus stretched. "What?"  
"You're even more beautiful than you were last   
night. I didn't think it was possible."  
"You're so sweet."  
And they kept on like this for several minutes,   
saying things that only people in love would say.  
Somebody cleared his throat from the other side of   
the door. "Hello," a voice said officially. "In exactly   
ten seconds, I am going to come into this bedroom. If I   
see anyone who is not a blonde Venusian named Sailor   
Venus, I will go on a murderous rampage, slaughtering at   
least twenty people before being cut down myself by law   
enforcement officers. May I remind you, Sailor Venus,   
that there is a window near the bed, and that windows can   
be used for entering and exiting a room. Also, might I   
remind the nonexistent person in Sailor Venus's room that   
her birthday is coming up next Thursday, and that she   
likes that gold necklace she saw in the store yesterday.   
I am going to begin counting down now. Ten..."  
Venus giggled. "Artemis is so silly," she   
whispered.  
Forrde was less amused. He pulled on his pants,   
grabbed his shoes and shirt, kissed Venus goodbye, and was   
out the window before Artemis got to four.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
"Rei?"  
Rei glared up at Usagi. "Yeah, whatizzit?"  
"Um... do you remember when we were fighting Galaxia   
and you all... died, and I had to face her on my own?"  
Rei sighed. "That," she grumbled, "is probably the   
single stupidest question I have ever been asked."  
"Sorry," Usagi said. "I... I've just been having   
some problems dealing with that experience, and…well, I   
wrote a poem about it. I wanted to get my feelings down.   
Luna said it would be healthy."  
"You want me to listen to it?" Usagi nodded   
hopefully. "Okay, let's hear it."  
"Thank you," Usagi said. She began reading off a   
piece of paper she had scribbled on. "It's called 'Love   
Tested'.  
I used to think Love was easy,  
For love is what held my heart together.  
But now, torn apart, alone,  
There's nothing but me to depend on.  
And without my heart, my love, my soul,  
I am afraid and cold and alone.  
Ami, so kind and soft and blue,  
Never yielding, never failing.  
Minako, loving more then me,  
I'm sorry I let her kill you.  
Haruka, so tall and strong,  
Didn't help you much, but I know you tried.  
For love.  
Michiru, with turquoise hair and blue ey--"  
"Wait," Rei said. "Do you go through all of us like   
this?"  
"Yes. You're toward the end."  
Rei sighed. "Okay, whatever. Continue."  
"Michiru, with turquoise hair and blue eyes,   
Artistic gaze, artistic body, dying on the floor.  
Makoto, never yielding, never breaking,   
Broken and yielding in front of me.  
For love.  
Setsuna, I didn't know you could die.  
Wisdom and age aren't meant to end so fast.  
And Rei, so beautiful and soft,  
Tempered, wanting to sacrifice her sweet form for me--"   
"Um..."  
"What?"  
"Nothing. Go on."  
"All gone, only me left to save you,  
Only me to make it all better.  
But I need you, I need you all,  
My dearest Mamoru, my soul, my heart,  
For love."  
Rei was silent for a minute. Usagi looked at her   
hopefully. "Well? What do you think?"  
Rei sighed again. "You left out Hotaru."  
Usagi blinked and reread the poem. "Oops. You're   
right." She grinned sheepishly. "I'll add her in right   
now."   
Rei sighed and went to get a glass of water.  
"Why do you keep doing that?" Usagi asked.  
"Doing what?"  
"Sighing."  
"I can't help it," Rei said. "I'm feeling   
melancholy right now."  
"Why? Do you think this should rhyme?"  
"No. And I don't know why. I just have this   
intense feeling of dread and sadness, like something   
terrible is about to happen that nobody can prevent." She   
waved a dismissive hand through the air. "But I'm sure it   
means nothing."  
The phone rang. Rei walked over and answered it.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
Carl stumbled into his and Venus's room, his sore   
muscles aching. "Hard workout?" a voice asked.  
He nodded and flopped face-down on the bed. After a   
few seconds, he slowly raised his head and looked around   
blearily. "Hello?" he groaned.  
Sailor Pluto waved at him. "Hi."  
"What are you doing here?"  
She seemed to be alternating between glee and   
seriousness, but that could have been just a trick his   
brain, angry from years of neglect, was playing on him.   
She threw a pile of magazines next to him on the bed. He   
looked down. A half-dressed dominatrix stared back up at   
him with empty eyes.  
"I found those in your sock drawer," Pluto said   
seriously.  
He sat up and looked at her. "How... how did you   
know?"  
She shrugged. "I was just snooping around."  
"Oh," he said. "Well, um, what are you going to do   
to me?"  
"I don't know," she said. "You are basically   
married to one of my colleagues, one of the few people I   
consider an actual friend, and, sad as it is, her   
happiness is dependent on you. She thinks she loves you.   
What effect do you think it would have for her to see you   
with a pile of over a dozen hardcore pornographic   
magazines?"  
"It's not unhealthy for one or the other   
participants in a relationship to fantasize. It only   
livens up the inevitable periods of restlessness inherent   
in monogamy."  
Pluto smiled evilly, and threw a small black book on   
the bed next to the magazines. "That was in your closet,"   
she said.  
Carl sat up. "You're thorough."  
"I have to be. The ones with the stars by their   
names?"  
"Put out on the first date." He sighed. "I'm a   
terrible, terrible person, I know. I suppose you're going   
to kill me now, or something."  
Pluto shook her head. "Why? I'm the last person in   
the world to be making judgements about morality. I'm   
questioning your eyesight. Kid, have you ever LOOKED at   
Venus?"  
"Of course. I've looked at her every day for six   
years."  
"No, I don't think you have. I'm talking about the   
Venus that the entire male population of the world is in   
lust with. The Venus whose web pages get more hits than   
any other. The Venus who could have any man or woman on   
the face of the earth but she chose you so for some   
bizarre reason so you should wise-up before she leaves?"  
He groaned and rolled over onto his stomach. "Why,   
oh why does everyone think she loves me?"  
Pluto stifled a giggle, but did so in such a way   
that her expression did not change and Carl did not   
notice.  
"She doesn't love me," Carl continued. "She   
doesn't look at me like... like she loves me. To her, I'm   
just a friend she has sex with. There's no passion.   
She's not capable of passion."  
"Really," Pluto said, annoyed. "And what makes you   
say that, kid?"  
"Experience," he answered. "I know her. She seems   
all lovey-dovey and flighty on the outside, sure, but when   
you're alone with her in a room, things change. In the   
beginning, she fell in love with thinking she loved me,   
then she fell in love with falling in love with thinking   
she loved me, and that, to her, was the way love was.   
She's not capable of feeling true love for anybody."  
"Maybe not for you," Pluto rebuked. "Not for you."   
She picked up the magazines and the little black book.   
"Can't trust you with these," she added, walking out the   
door.  
She waited until she rounded a corner and was safely   
out of earshot before she started laughing so hard tears   
streaked her face.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
"Whoa!" Rei yelled, dropping the telephone receiver   
on the floor. "There are monsters at the local pet shop!   
We have to go stop them!"  
"Gasp!" gasped Usagi. "Ami! Makoto! Minako!   
We've got trouble!"  
The three senshi ran out of the bathroom in a group.   
"What is it?" Ami asked.  
"No time to explain," Rei said. "We need to   
transform now!"  
"MERCURY CRYSTAL POWER!"  
"MARS CRYSTAL POWER!"  
"VENUS CRYSTAL POWER!"  
"JUPITER CRYSTAL POWER!"  
"MOON ETERNAL POWER!"  
The five girls looked around in confusion. "Um, who   
yelled that?" Usagi asked.  
"I don't know," Rei said. "It was probably the   
radio. That doesn't matter, we have to transform quickly!"   
They did, and ran in the direction of the pet store.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
Uranus sat cross-legged on the floor across from   
Venus, who was sitting cross-legged on the floor across   
from Uranus. "Well?" Venus asked.  
Uranus thought. "Well," she began. "The last time   
I thought about her was…about half a second ago. There's   
been this image of her just burned into my head for weeks,   
and it just will not get out."  
Venus frowned. "Dreams?"  
"Many. Just last night we were in a supermarket   
shopping for carrots."  
"Carrots?"  
"Yes, carrots. But we were doing it together,   
that's the important part."  
"What is it about her that makes her so special to   
you?" Venus asked.   
"I don't know," Uranus said. "She... she's so   
SWEET. She does the sweetest things sometimes."  
Venus chuckled. "How sweet someone is is directly   
proportional to how physically attracted you are to them,"   
she said. "You're physically attracted to her, I would   
assume."  
Uranus nodded. "I would say that's probably a big   
yes."  
"What about when you're around her?" Venus asked.   
"How do you feel then?"  
"Nauseous. But it's a GOOD kind of nauseous,   
y'know?"  
Venus sighed. "The good kind of nauseous. That's   
the closest to a definition of 'love' I've ever heard.   
You've got it bad, my friend."  
"I hate it," Uranus muttered. "We spend so much   
time together and she's supposed to be my friend, but she   
has absolutely no idea I feel this way about her." She   
sighed. "Any advice?"  
Venus grinned. "Yes, actually. You need to get   
your mind off her. You need... a distraction."  
Uranus was about to inquire about this, but was cut   
off when Venus pounced on top of her.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
The outer senshi lounged in their living room,   
reading magazines. Michiru blinked, reached over to pick   
up her mirror, and gazed into it, nonplussed.  
"The inners are going off to fight some bad guys,"   
she remarked. "Feel like helping?"  
"Screw em," Haruka muttered, turning the page.   
"It's not like we ever really help."  
"Yeah," Hotaru said. "What, are they gonna get   
killed?"  
They all laughed.   
"God, I hate them," Setsuna muttered when the   
laughter died down.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
"I was a happy kid. The second time, I mean. I   
don't remember it very well, I just have these vague   
memories of being all smiling and bubbly. And my   
parents... I mean... Neptune, Uranus, and Pluto... used to   
tell me how happy I always was. I liked being a kid. I   
liked it a lot. Even though the Dark Part of my brain was   
still there, I didn't have to think about it. It was in   
the background."  
The psychologist took a sip out of his coffee mug.   
"When did the Dark Part…move out of the background?" he   
asked.  
"Something... set it off. And then... I wasn't   
happy anymore. It was easier to be Saturn then. I didn't   
like being me."  
There was a long pause.  
"Doctor?"  
The psychologist nodded. "Do you know what that   
something was?" he asked.  
Her eyes narrowed. "Love."  
He made a note. "Love?"  
"Love." Her voice was bitter, cynical.  
He clicked his pen several times and made some other   
kind of note. "What do you mean, love?"  
"I mean love!" she shot back harshly. She would   
have apologized, had she wanted to. "I mean love! What   
else could I mean?!"  
He was silent for a moment. "Can you elaborate?" he   
asked softly.  
"Of course I can't elaborate!" she yelled. "I'm   
talking about love! LOVE!" She threw a cushion across   
the room. It struck the far wall and fell harmlessly to   
the floor.  
The psychologist seemed to think her reaction was   
significant. "Would you like to talk about your   
experience?"  
"Y'know, you're going along great in the world, and   
you're just a little girl who's enjoying everything...   
every tiny part of everything she sees. You're happy.   
And then, you get to a certain age, and suddenly everyone   
around you, your peers, your friends, the people you look   
up to, even your goddamn family start putting this   
pressure on you, telling you how you're not really happy.   
No, when you're as old as you are, you need to start   
looking for other things to make you happy. And so you   
think something's wrong with you. And you hear over and   
over that love is what we fight for, love is the most   
important thing in the universe, love is the only thing   
that makes life worth living. And..." She broke off   
suddenly and was silent.  
"And?"  
"And so you go off and fall in love." Her voice was   
soft and filled with metaphorical daggers. "You fall in   
love with some guy, and you don't know if he loves you or   
not, but it doesn't matter."  
"Why?"  
"Because it HURTS. It hurts right here." She   
pointed to her stomach. "And you know that because you've   
gone and done this thing, because you've let yourself feel   
these feelings, you'll never be okay again. You've   
exposed yourself to something evil. You're not going to   
get better.  
"And so you get angry. And the Dark Part takes   
over, and you find yourself doing terrible things to this   
guy, and his family, and the whole town that he lives in,   
because you're saving them all from having to feel the   
love that's tearing your brain up from the inside."  
She looked him square in the eye. "What do you have   
to say to that, doctor?" she asked in a confrontational   
manner.  
The psychologist coughed. He clicked the tip of his   
pen away. "Well, first of all, I would have to say that   
we should increase to three sessions a week."   
She sighed and looked back up at the ceiling. "I   
never should have told you," she muttered.  
"No, as I've said before, it's good to open up,   
except when opening up involves destroying planets and   
such. You can't keep things bottled up inside you, or   
they'll explode, and that's when you start doing... bad   
things. Guilt is bad, Saturn. Guilt will hurt you."  
"I'm not guilty," she snapped. "I feel justified   
about all of this. Love has a stranglehold on people's   
hopes and dreams; everyone views it as a necessary element   
of happiness. I'm proud to be one of the few who see it   
how it truly is. At least Pluto's on my side. She's   
still my friend."  
She looked up at him, her face suddenly sad and   
vulnerable. "Do... do you think I'm right about this?"   
she whimpered. "You don't think I'm crazy to be saying   
this, do you?"  
He looked back calmly and paternally. "No, I don't   
think you're crazy. But I would venture to say that you   
might be a little confused. You might be overthinking the   
entire concept."  
She stared at him with bitter, yet empty, eyes.   
"You think I don't know about those jokes?" she asked   
hoarsely. "You think I don't know what everyone thinks   
about me? It's hard to be the 'ugly one' and still fight   
for love."  
"I'm not sure it's as big a deal as you make it out   
to be," he said.  
She started to protest, but he cut her off. "Yes,   
love has been blown out of proportion by most people, but   
it would be good for you to accept that you might be   
taking it too far the other way."  
"I felt it," she said. "I felt true love in my   
heart, and it hurt like a bitch."  
He took a sip of coffee. He paused, and got ready   
to say something important. "Sometimes you can convince   
yourself that you're in love even when you're not. That's   
self-denial, which, as we both know, can cause some pretty   
severe damage. People can live their entire lives that   
way. You are ahead of the game, in that you've accepted   
that no love is better than fake-love. You're not crazy.   
You've got better perspective than most. It's just   
getting rid of some of that anger... getting rid of the   
Dark Place... that's all you need to do."  
"I want to rip your heart out and throw it at a   
wall," she muttered.  
"I am glad you're being honest," he said, taking   
another note. "Honesty is good."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
Forrde eyed his cards. He took one of them out of   
his hand and lay it face-down on top of the stack of face-  
up cards. He grinned. "Gin," he said.  
Ragen sighed and shook his head. "I needed the ten   
of clubs. That's all I needed."  
Forrde showed his hand. "I had it."  
Ragen grabbed Forrde's cards, picked up the rest of   
the deck, and started shuffling them. "Dammit. Do you   
ever lose this game?"  
"Nope." There was a pause. "Hey, Ragen?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Is Venus cheating on me?"  
Ragen stopped shuffling. He looked up at his   
friend. "Uh... why are you asking me?"  
"Venus tells Mars everything, and Mars tells you   
everything, so..." Forrde trailed off.  
Ragen smiled slightly. "I have not heard anything   
about Venus cheating on you," he said.   
"Oh," Forrde replied. There was a pause. "What   
does that mean?"  
"What?"  
"You said you hadn't HEARD anything," Forrde said.   
"You didn't say she wasn't DOING it."  
Ragen glared up at Forrde. "Are you accusing me of   
something?" he inquired.  
"No. No, of course not." Forrde paused miserably.   
"Do... do you think she is?" he asked.  
Ragen sighed. "Listen, man," he said, "I've known   
the senshi longer than you have. They... have a lot of   
love to give. They really do. They have a superhuman   
amount of love."  
Forrde looked confused.  
"Let me put it this way," Ragen said. "The average   
human can, at one time, be in love with... two people.   
Maybe. Three, tops, and that's pretty much only   
schizophrenics."  
"Yeah?"  
"The senshi are different. They THRIVE on love.   
It's the power that fuels them. Their capacity is much   
higher. They can be completely in love with hundreds of   
people simultaneously."  
"So?"  
This kid was just not getting it. "So, even though   
you and Venus are utterly in love with each other, it's   
not equal. She's got all of your love, whereas you've   
just got a tiny piece of hers. It's the same way with me   
and Mars, man."  
Forrde was silent for a minute. "So... what about   
us?"  
Not the brightest guy in the world, is he? "I think   
we have to be content with the situation. Trust me, we   
wouldn't like it if all that love was focused on us."  
Forrde raised an eyebrow. "What the hell is THAT   
supposed to mean?"  
"I don't know," Ragen said. "Pluto said it to me a   
few weeks after I arrived."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
By the time they arrived at the pet store, the first   
group of monsters had already wandered off in search of   
hamburgers. Mercury scanned the area, and quickly found   
General Harold and his team, just arriving on the street   
to see what the hell had gone wrong with the plan. "Out   
there!" she pointed. The senshi ran out and confronted   
the enemy in the suitable manner.  
A crowd was gathering. Harold, who never cared very   
much for crowds, panicked. He ordered the monsters to   
simply attack head-on. "Remember," he stressed. "The   
dark-haired one. The dark-haired one is our primary   
target."  
The senshi meanwhile prepared their attack. Mercury   
prepared to offer a distraction while Mars, Venus, and   
Jupiter attempted to circle around and confine the   
monsters, so they would be easier to pick off.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
It was 3:04 in the morning. Sailor Pluto sat in the   
kitchen, warming up some hot chocolate on the stove. Mars   
wandered in.  
"Couldn't sleep?" Pluto asked in a surprisingly   
upbeat manner. Mars nodded blearily, opened the   
refrigerator, and took out a carton of milk.  
"How was the funeral?" Pluto asked, again a quite   
chipper ring to her voice.  
Mars raised the carton to her lips and took a gulp.   
"About…how you would expect," she said when she was done,   
wiping her moustache away.  
"Let me guess," Pluto said. "A million idiots   
sitting there crying, a couple of thousand teevee cameras,   
and a very finely-polished coffin, right?"  
Mars nodded. "That's about it."  
Pluto snickered. "I'm sure it was tragic," she   
said.  
"Why didn't you go?"   
"I didn't care."   
There was a brief silence.  
"How did the queen take it?" Pluto asked, stirring   
her hot chocolate.  
"It was hard for her," Mars answered. "Especially   
since all those people still think she mistreated him all   
those years. I just hope she's not beginning to believe   
it herself."  
"Idiots," Pluto muttered.   
"I know," Mars agreed. "They watch us on Hard Copy   
and think they know us. Him, especially. He was so   
handsome and charming..."  
"I said it before, I'll say it again," Pluto said   
happily. "Idiots."  
Mars nodded. There was another brief silence. Mars   
took another sip of milk.  
"How did you take it?" Pluto asked eventually.  
"Surprisingly well," Mars answered. "I mean, I've   
disliked him since the divorce and the way he treated her,   
but you'd think I would break down during the ceremony,   
wouldn't you? Jupiter did, and she never even... I mean...  
a while ago, I even thought I was in..." She trailed off.  
Pluto took her pot off the stove and poured the   
drink into a mug. She looked at Mars, smirking. "What?"  
Mars looked very uncomfortable indeed. "I mean, I   
was... closer... to him than any of the others were. But   
sitting there, staring at his coffin... I didn't feel a   
damn thing."  
Pluto laughed so hard she nearly blew hot chocolate   
out her nose.  
"What?!" Mars bellowed.  
"It's nothing. Really, it's nothing. Really. It's   
an inside joke, and you're not on the inside of it."  
"Do you feel like filling me in on it?" Mars asked   
testily.  
"It's not important," Pluto managed to say through   
giggles. "It really isn't. Besides, it doesn't matter   
anyway. He's going to be coming back to life in... I'd   
say about... a year and a half."  
Mars blinked. "What?"  
Pluto shrugged. "He's a dead good-guy. What do you   
expect?"  
Mars sighed. "Wonderful. The queen's not going to   
like this."  
"I wouldn't worry about the queen," Pluto said.   
"She can take care of herself. What I would worry about   
is the MEDIA. They'll tear the senshi up about the whole   
thing if he comes back and isn't accepted with open arms."  
Mars thought about that for a minute. "Aren't you   
not supposed to reveal things about the future?" she   
asked.  
Pluto shrugged. "Eh."  
"Well, I don't care," Mars suddenly declared. "I   
don't care about him. He comes back here, he lives off in   
that castle we gave him, he stays dead, I couldn't give a   
shit."  
Pluto gave off a smile, and it was a genuine one.   
"Good for you," she said.  
"Besides," Mars continued. "I've GOT someone I care   
about. Better than he ever was, anyway."  
Pluto stopped smiling.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
Sailors Mars and Pluto sat next to each other in a   
forlorn manner. Mars sighed. Then Pluto sighed. They   
were both very sad.  
Venus walked in, smiling and humming to herself.   
"Hi!" she said happily. She stopped when she received a   
minimal greeting. "What's wrong?" she asked.  
"Nothing," Mars muttered.   
"No, I can tell when something's wrong, and   
something's definitely wrong with you two," Venus said.   
"Come on, what is it?"  
"Piss off," Pluto said angrily.  
"It's your depression that made you lash out at me,"   
Venus admonished. "I forgive you. Now, tell me what's   
wrong so I can help you to overcome the pain and   
hopelessness you now face, which is what good friends do."  
Mars sighed. "We're... we're both in love with   
Prince Endymion, okay?"  
Venus nodded sadly. "I might have guessed," she   
said. "It is a very painful thing to desire something you   
can never have. I can empathize. Still, your emotional   
distress will go away in time, as soon as you realize that   
he is beyond your reach. Besides, your infatuation is   
based solely upon two things: a shallow appreciation of   
his physical attractiveness, and respect for his title.   
If either of you got to know him, you would see how   
utterly boring he truly is."  
"He's not boring," Mars protested. "He's so   
sweet..."  
"Oh, give it a rest!" Venus exclaimed. "He can   
talk for fucking hours about his fucking ROSE GARDEN, for   
godsake! Shit, sometimes I just want to KILL people like   
him!"  
Mars was surprised. If Pluto was too, she didn't   
show it. Instead, she stood up and walked away. "I'm   
leaving before you two start having sex," she muttered.  
"What'd she say?" Mars asked.  
"I don't know," Venus said angrily. "The point is,   
you have to get over your little crush and start focusing   
on any real love that might be coming your way. You need   
someone with whom you can share true, passionate,   
beautiful love."  
Mars blinked. "Venus, your hand is on my right   
breast," she said.  
Venus grinned.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
Uranus lay on the couch, not looking at the   
psychologist. "Well?" he asked. "Anything new happen   
over the week?"  
"I broke up with Jim," Uranus replied.  
"Really? Why did you do that?"  
"I don't know." Uranus fidgeted uncomfortably on   
the couch. "Nothing really seemed... right with him."  
"Do you think you were in love with him?"  
"Oh, I don't know," Uranus said. "I might have   
been. I can't even tell anymore."  
"Huh. Why do you think that is?"  
"It's too complicated," she muttered. "I can't even   
figure it out myself. Jim was a GREAT GUY. He was   
everything anyone could ever want! Any sane, normal human   
being could have looked at him, and talked to him, and   
fallen completely in love. Why the hell couldn't I? Why   
couldn't I with ANY of them?!"  
The pen went click click click. "Do you have any   
hang-ups about... sex?"  
"No," Uranus said immediately. "I most definitely   
do not."  
"Hmmmmmm."  
"I mean, I'm not addicted to it or anything," she   
said nervously. "It's... y'know... fun, and I do it with   
some regularity, but it's just not that huge a deal for   
me."  
"That's interesting."  
She scowled. "It wasn't supposed to be," she said   
darkly. "It was supposed to be bland and normal."  
"Hmmm. Do you have anything else to say about Jim?"  
"No. I'm sick of talking about him. I'm sick of   
talking about all of them."  
"Okay. What else do you want to talk about?"  
"I don't know," she said angrily. "What do you   
think we should talk about?"  
"This isn't up to me, Uranus," he said. "You're   
responsible for what direction we go in."  
That sat in silence for a few minutes. "What's   
wrong with me?" she asked finally.  
"What do you mean?"  
"I'm asking you what's wrong with me."  
"I can't tell you that, Uranus. Only you can say   
that about yourself."  
"Okay..." she thought for a moment. "I'm crazy."  
"No, you're not crazy."  
"Well, then you explain it, doctor. Normal people   
fall in love. Why can't I do it?"  
"Maybe you need to re-examine your life."  
"Again?"  
"It never hurts."  
She sighed. "Okay."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
It was like fighting a big bunch of wusses. Several   
monsters had already run away, and the actual physical   
conflict hadn't even begun yet.  
The senshi looked up at the enemies.  
  
"MERCURY AQUA RAPSODY!"  
"MARS FLAME SNIPER!"  
"VENUS LOVE AND BEAUTY SHOCK!"  
"JUPITER OAK EVOLUTION!"  
  
Mars glared at the crowd. "Yes, we know what the   
attacks are called, thanks," she yelled sarcastically.   
"Could you people take off, please?"  
By this point, most of the monsters had taken the   
opportunity to flee, and were, at the moment, hiding in   
the men's room at a nearby McDonalds. General Harold was   
extremely close to panicking. But, he told himself, the   
mission was clear and completing it was worth running the   
risk of death.  
He stood on the roof of the pet shop, staring down   
as the senshi began fighting the two rather stupid   
monsters who had not run off. He drew his sword.   
Whispering a prayer to his dark master, he looked   
down at his primary target and jumped off the roof. His   
sword was at ready, and he was fully prepared to slice her   
pretty little head right off, watching it roll down the   
street, wrapped in dark, bloody hair. He smiled. He   
wasn't a joke, just evil comic relief. He was the real   
thing.  
Sailor Mars looked up just in time to see an   
extremely sharp blade three inches away from her face.  
A shot rang out.  
General Harold's chest imploded, and his body was   
knocked off target. The sword sliced off a lock of Mars's   
hair and clattered to the pavement. The thud of General   
Harold's body came half a second later. The senshi looked   
up at the source of the shot.  
A blonde man stood there in a mask and a suit that   
was several sizes too small for him, holding a shotgun and   
grinning. "I am... MarsGuy!" he bellowed in English,   
before nodding slightly to Sailor Mars and running off   
into an alley.  
Sailor Mars wiped Harold's blood off her face. All   
the other senshi stared at her.  
"I do not believe this," she muttered darkly.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT THIS FANFIC  
  
10. The secret code: eliminate every third word, and it's   
a Nazi manifesto  
9. Gave two pre-readers nervous breakdowns  
8. Mamoru only dies once  
7. It's about Sailormoon, for godsakes  
6. Has a plot suspiciously similar to "Look Homeward,   
Angel"  
5. Juri isn't in it  
4. The guy that wrote it? Nuttier than a fruitcake.  
3. It kicked a puppy  
2. The writing style is hokily awkward and hard to seem to   
stumble over   
1. It sucks  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
Ragen sniffed the air. "Mars?" he called. "Are you   
cooking something?"  
Her voice came from outside, and he couldn't quite   
understand what she said. He went out the side door and   
called, "What?"  
She was standing not very far away, a quite   
satisfied look on her face. "I said 'no,'" she said. "I   
just got that damn deer who kept eating your pears."   
She pointed down to a black, smoky thing on the   
ground several meters away next to Ragen's prized pear   
tree. "That's the deer?" Ragen asked. "You shot fire at   
a deer? Don't you think that's a little excessive?"  
She looked as cross as he had ever seen her, which   
was not particularly cross. "No, I don't. I didn't want   
it to steal any more of your pears."  
"And I appreciate the gesture, Love of My Life, I   
really do, it's just that that was a rather gruesome way   
of protecting my tree. I was going to build a fence,   
anyway."  
She folded her arms over her chest and glared at   
him. "Y'know what I think?" she said after a little bit.   
"I think you're just jealous that YOU can't shoot fire."  
He scoffed. "That's ridiculous. I don't want   
super-powers. I... uh... uh... just don't want to see you   
get hurt... accidentally. Y'know... burn yourself, or   
something."  
Mars looked crosser. "I'm going inside," she said   
coldly.  
  
  
Venus and Forrde were arguing again. Out of love,   
of course.  
She eventually had enough of his stubbornness.   
"Don't fuck with me, bucko!" she yelled. "I could kick   
your bony ass if I wanted to!"   
She then stormed out of the room. It was that day   
that Forrde decided he needed himself some super-powers.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
Sailor Pluto walked into the throne room with   
absolutely no expectations of why she had been called   
there unexpectedly. "You wanted to see me, Neo-Queen   
Serenity?" she inquired warmly.  
"We both did," the small, black cat sitting on the   
queen's shoulder said. "We have a personal... request to   
make of you."  
Pluto raised her left eyebrow. "Yes?"  
Neo-Queen Serenity looked uncomfortable. Being nice   
was her specialty, not giving commands. "Well... you know   
we're both happy that you've become friends with our   
daughters. Their status makes it impossible for them to   
easily interact with children their own age, as you know.   
However... your... influence... let us say... possibly...   
is... not as wholesome as we would like."  
Pluto looked meek and innocent. "I'm sure I don't   
know what you're referring to," she said. "Your daughters   
and I simply spend time together like three normal teenage   
girls."  
"Yes, but one of you is over ten thousand years old,   
one of you has the body of a four year-old, and one of you   
is a cat!" Luna protested. "None of you ARE normal   
teenage girls!"  
"Nevertheless, that stage of development is   
necessary and healthy," Pluto declared. "If they didn't   
go through it, they would remain naive, never realizing   
the pains and disappointments of adulthood."  
"Pluto, stop supplying our daughters with marijuana   
and male prostitutes," Serenity suddenly commanded.   
"Really. You can do whatever you want in your free time,   
but leave our children out of it."  
"I've raised more kids than you," Pluto said   
haughtily. "And believe me, these two are going to need   
all the distractions they can get, with the lives they   
have ahead of them."  
"What's that supposed to mean?" the queen asked.  
"They've been in the public eye since conception.   
They have no experiences, no perspective, and no   
intelligence. All they have going for them is the love of   
millions, and excuse my language, but that's not going to   
do shit for them. They're going to be severely fucked-up   
adults because of that love of millions, and there's   
nothing you can do about it except let them live some   
semblance of a normal life. And that's all I'm trying to   
do. I beg you not to stand in the way. That would make   
you both bad parents."  
"So gigolos and marijuana... are healthy?" Luna   
asked.  
"Very," Pluto answered. "They will help combat the   
bad influences from the terrible lives into which you have   
borne them."  
The Guilt Method worked like a charm. Luna and   
Serenity debated a moment, then consented to allow Pluto   
and their daughters to continue with whatever activities   
would make them less fucked-up. Pluto thanked them and   
quickly left the room.  
"Kick-ass," she muttered, as the door shut behind   
her.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
Sailor Uranus plodded down the dark stairway toward   
the equally dark kitchen. She stumbled in, too tired to   
notice the strange noises coming from somewhere else in   
the room. Blearily, she opened the refrigerator and took   
out the milk. Drinking more in one gulp than is probably   
healthy, she turned around, because the light from the   
refrigerator was hurting her eyes.  
Not two feet away from her lay Sailors Neptune and   
Mercury, staring up at her with rather shocked faces from   
atop the kitchen table. Neither was wearing clothing.   
Had there been enough light from the refrigerator to   
recognize color, it would have been very obvious that   
Mercury's face was as red as a corpse in a Peter Jackson   
movie.  
Uranus dropped the milk carton.  
Tears of embarrassment sprang to Mercury's eyes.   
She jumped off the table and ran from the room.  
The two remaining senshi were silent for a minute or   
two. Neptune coughed uncomfortably. She got up, picked   
up a roll of paper towels, and began wiping up the spill.   
Uranus folded her arms over her chest, and, careful not to   
look directly at Neptune's nakedness, shook her head with   
disdain.  
"What, might I ask, was that?" she queried with a   
sneer.  
"Don't you judge me," Neptune said coldly. "Just   
because we train and fight together doesn't give you the   
right to judge me."  
"I never did judge you," Uranus said calmly. "I   
just asked what that was."  
Neptune stood up and looked Uranus right in the   
face. "I love Mercury, okay?" she hissed. "I love her   
with all my heart."  
Uranus smirked. "Last week you loved Jupiter with   
all your heart. And what about Venus? And that guy you   
met in that bar on earth? And have you forgotten that   
you're married, for godsake?"  
"I love my husband too," Neptune replied   
confrontationally. "I love all of them."  
Uranus was about to comment, but she accidentally   
looked directly at Neptune's nakedness. She blanched.   
Neptune noticed.  
"I could love you too, sweetie," she tittered,   
smiling. "I mean, I could love you like I love them. As   
more than just a friend and partner. But...   
unfortunately... you won't let me."   
She stood on her tiptoes and kissed Uranus on the   
cheek. Uranus fell down.  
Neptune giggled. "Too bad," she said lightly. "I   
wish you would just loosen up, dear. You've got love   
inside you, just like the rest of us. You just need to   
share it with other people once in a while." Then she   
walked off in the direction on Mercury's bed.  
After several minutes, Sailor Uranus stood up. With   
sudden, inexplicable urgency, she headed on up to Venus's   
room.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
The telephone rang. Neo-Queen Serenity started to   
get up, but Luna was closer. "I've got it," she said.   
"It's probably Artemis calling in with those reports."  
Serenity nodded, and went back to her magazine.   
Luna pushed the TALK button with her paw, and spoke into   
the receiver. "Hello, Artemis?"  
The voice on the other end was squeaky, juvenile,   
and unfamiliar to her. "Um... hello? Is this Neo-Queen   
Serenity's residence?"  
"Who is this?" Luna squawked, alarmed. "How did you   
get this number?"  
"Um... research," the voice answered. "May I please   
speak with the queen? She's not expecting my call, but my   
associates and I have had... business with her in the   
past."  
"Who is this?!" Luna yelled.  
Serenity looked up from her magazine. "Who is it,   
Luna?"  
"I don't know!"  
"Find out."  
"I'm trying!"  
"Um, are you talking to me?" the voice on the other   
end asked uncertainly.   
"Yes!" Luna screeched.  
"Calm down, Luna," Serenity muttered.  
But Luna couldn't respond to that, since the woman   
on the phone was speaking again: "I apologize for not   
introducing myself earlier. This is... uh... well, you   
knew me as Sailor Iron Mouse. Remember me? I was one of   
those evil animamate senshi you guys fought a long time   
ago? Remember? Is this the right number?"  
"Uh..." Luna began uncertainly, "yes..."  
"You don't have to worry!" Iron Mouse said   
reassuringly. "I'm not evil anymore. Can I talk to the   
queen, please?"  
"Um, please wait for just a moment," Luna said   
politely. She then frantically turned to Serenity,   
covering the receiver as best she could with her flank.   
"It's Sailor Iron Mouse!" she hissed. "She says she's not   
evil anymore!"  
"That's wonderful!" Serenity exclaimed. "Let me   
speak with her!"  
"Are you sure that's a good ide..." Luna began, but   
Serenity snatched the receiver out from under the cat, who   
suddenly found herself leaning against thin air.   
"Hello?" Serenity greeted, as Luna fell off the   
table and crashed to the floor. "Iron Mouse? How are you   
DOING? I always wondered what happened to you guys!"  
"Kind of a long story, actually," Iron Mouse   
replied. "We were all murdered cruelly one by one, but   
then we came back when you freed our star seeds, thank you   
very much by the way. Then we kind of wandered the   
universe for a while, seeing as how our home planets were   
all destroyed. Anyway, not long ago, we all ran into each   
other, and began talking about old times, and we   
remembered our unresolved issues with you and your planet.   
Needless to say, we all still feel pretty bad about it."  
"Oh, there's no need for that!" Serenity protested.  
"That's very kind of you, but it would make us feel   
better if we could visit your planet and make a formal   
apology to you, your senshi, and your people. There   
aren't very many senshi left in the galaxy, and we want to   
be on good terms with the ones we know."  
"Sure!" Serenity exclaimed. "You can stay in the   
palace!"  
"Serenity..." Luna whimpered, stars still circling   
about her head.  
"Great!" Iron Mouse exclaimed happily. "How does...   
next Thursday sound?"  
"We'll be ready here! See you then!"  
"Okay, great! Bye." Serenity hung up the phone and   
beamed at Luna, who was slowly picking herself up off the   
floor.  
"Are you sure about this?" the cat moaned. "The   
outers are going to have a heart attack."  
"Don't worry about it, "Serenity said, sitting back   
down in her chair and opening her magazine. "It'll be   
fine."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The Next Thursday  
  
"Are you sure this is necessary, Uranus?"  
The blonde senshi looked down at the queen as if she   
had lost her mind. "You just invited the devil to dinner,   
Serenity. We'd be a fool to not be on guard."  
"They never did anything you didn't do," Mars,   
standing behind them, muttered.   
Uranus whirled on her and gave her an unsettling look.   
"Please keep your smart-ass remarks to yourself, Mars,"   
she growled. "It would be foolish to not keep an eye on   
them twenty-four hours a day, and we're the ones for the   
job."  
Neptune put a soft hand on Uranus's arm and spoke to   
the queen. "You're probably right," she said calmly, "But   
caution is still the smartest thing. Leave that part up   
to us, and we'll leave the diplomacy to you."  
"Very well, but try not to be rude," the queen   
suggested. "They are our guests, after all."  
Neptune was about to respond, but was cut off by a   
spaceship landing several feet away.  
Uranus covertly spoke into a walkie-talkie she   
carried with her. "They're here. Don't do anything   
drastic, just keep an eye out."  
The door on the spaceship opened, and out they came.   
Iron Mouse came first, then Tin Nyanko, and finally Lead   
Crow and Aluminum Siren together, holding hands.   
Iron Mouse walked forward and bowed to Neo-Queen   
Serenity. "Thank you very much for allowing us to come   
here," she said humbly.   
The queen bowed in response. "No problem," she   
replied. "You all must be exhausted after your long trip.   
Let us show you to your rooms." As they all started   
walking in the palace, Serenity pulled Iron Mouse close   
and muttered in her ear, "Uranus is being a jerk, watch   
out for her. Oh, and... uh... by any chance, from your   
wanderings of the galaxy, if you happen to know of a way I   
could contact Sailor Starfighter..."  
"Say no more," Iron Mouse whispered. "He heard we   
were coming here and told me to give you this." She   
secretively pressed a small communication device into   
Serenity's hand. The two women exchanged a sly glance,   
and then put back on their "official occasions" faces and   
continued their way to the guest quarters.  
Behind them, Mars and Mercury walked along with Tin   
Nyanko. No one said anything. At one point Nyanko   
glanced over at her escorts and sniggered, but Mars and   
Mercury had too much class to react.  
Behind them, Jupiter and Venus walked with Aluminum   
Siren and Lead Crow. "So," Jupiter stammered, "can I   
assume that... uh... you two will... only be needing one   
room?"  
Aluminum Siren laughed. "Yes, you can assume that,"   
she replied.  
Lead Crow glared at Siren, who tittered nervously   
and turned to Jupiter again. "Uh... what I meant to say,   
of course, is that we will take what we have kindly been   
offered," she amended quickly. "If you have gone to the   
trouble of arranging a room for each of us, we will gladly   
use th..."  
"Don't worry about it," Venus interrupted. "The   
rooms have queen-sized beds, and it would be no insult if   
you simply chose not to use one."  
"Are you certain?" Lead Crow asked.   
"Of course," Venus replied with a wink. "We want   
you to feel welcome here, after all."  
Lead Crow smiled, and linked Aluminum Siren's arm   
with her own. "Thank you," she said. Venus smiled back.  
Behind them, Uranus and Neptune walked along   
together, never taking their eyes off the Animamates for a   
second.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Later That Night  
  
It was one forty-six AM. Uranus and Neptune sat in   
the dim room, sipping coffee out of their mugs (Uranus's   
was plain black, Neptune's was gray with "I DON'T DO   
MORNINGS" written across the side) and staring at the wall   
of video surveillance monitors. There were literally   
hundreds active, each showing a different room in the   
palace, but the senshi were only keeping their eyes on   
three.  
Well, one, really. Iron Mouse was sleeping cutely   
and Tin Nyanko was lying in her bed reading some book   
she'd brought with her. But the other monitor showed some   
very interesting things, to say the least.  
Uranus watched Lead Crown and Aluminum Siren with a   
mixture of rage and disgust. Neptune was doing her best   
to avoid watching the display being put on, but there was   
not much else going on of any interest. "This is mind-  
numbing work," she remarked. "I have new respect for the   
palace guards that have to do it every night."  
"They've been at it for THREE HOURS," Uranus   
muttered with a tinge of awe in her voice. "How are they   
doing that? I don't understand."  
Neptune didn't really want the conversation to go   
this route, but she had to do her best to stave off   
boredom. "How many times have they actually..."  
"I seriously lost count," Uranus answered. "This is   
amazing, how are they doing this?"  
Neptune shrugged. "They love each other."  
"No!" Uranus nearly shouted. "No, they don't. They   
can't."  
"Why not?"  
"Because they're senshi! Senshi can't fall in   
love!"  
Neptune shook her head. "I'm still not sure about   
that theory," she argued. "Just because YOU haven't found   
the right person, doesn't mean it's impossible for all of   
us."  
"Stop being blind," Uranus scoffed. "You know the   
truth as well as I do. Senshi cannot truly fall in love.   
That's a fact."  
Neptune frowned and indicated the monitor. "Well,   
those two certainly seem to be good at faking it, then."  
"I don't understand," Uranus grumbled. "Look at   
them. Look at the passion, look at the..." she trailed   
off and sighed. "I don't understand."  
Neptune walked over and hugged Uranus. "I don't   
either."  
Uranus hugged back, and sighed again. She pointed   
at the screen. "This isn't even the worst part. The   
worst part is in between, when they cuddle."  
Neptune took a step back and fixed her partner with   
an odd look. "I have to tell you, Uranus," she said   
softly. "I think what's happening in that room... is   
beautiful."  
Uranus was all set to respond with anger, but a   
spark in Neptune's eyes gave her pause. For a moment they   
simply looked at each other in silence. Then Uranus   
smiled bitterly. "I knew you would," she muttered.  
Neptune reached out her hand and Uranus took it;   
there was something in the air that neither could explain.   
"I know they're dangerous," Neptune said, "but when I   
watch them, I can't help but be happy to see two people   
able to have feelings that are so warm and beautiful."  
Uranus did not respond. Their hands squeezed   
tighter, and both turned their heads to the surveillance   
monitor in quiet wonder.  
  
Lead Crow sighed with contentment as she pulled   
Aluminum Siren close to her own body. The feeling was   
soft and sticky and divine. They simply embraced for a   
moment, then kissed tenderly.   
They pulled away, and looked into each other's eyes   
for a moment. "I love you," Siren whispered.  
"I love you too," Crow replied softly.  
Then they began to cuddle.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
MarsGuy stood on the rooftop, cackling with delight.   
That had gone better than he had dared hope. To magically   
arrive at the EXACT second to have the perfect opportunity   
to be the deus ex machina... to be HER deus ex machina...   
the man upstairs really had something special in mind for   
him.  
His thoughts drifted back to Sailor Mars. She was   
the black-haired girl he remembered. She was his   
soulmate, and both of them knew it. They would share a   
love that had defied death. This was the kind of thing   
that only happened in fairy tales.  
Suddenly, he was hit on the back of the head with   
the butt of a pistol. After a few seconds of swirling   
gray spots, he found himself lying on his back, staring   
into the head of a blurry gun. The man who held it was   
dressed extravagantly, and wore a mask similar to MarGuy's   
own. He was scowling.  
"Goddamn you!" he ranted. "I had the PERFECT chance   
to impress them, and YOU jump right in like an asshole! I   
had that fucker's sword hand in my sights, and you just   
blow him away! You little piece of shit, who do you think   
you are? I trained for this opportunity for WEEKS!"  
"Who... who are you?" MarsGuy asked.  
"Shut up! I'M the one asking the questions! Who   
are you? What's your connection to the senshi?!"  
"I... I'm MarsGuy," MarsGuy said. "My connection is   
that Sailor Mars and I are soulmates from the Moon   
Kingdom. We loved each other."  
The other man relaxed a little. "Oh, right," he   
said. "You're THAT guy. I remember you, I think. Still,   
that gives you no right to blow my big chance to save them   
from certain death!"  
"He was about to kill Sailor Mars!" MarsGuy   
exclaimed. "I had to stop him!"  
"Yeah, well, he would have killed Venus after that,   
though! And she's the only one I care about!"  
MarsGuy blinked. "Oh, I know who you are now! You   
were Venus's boyfriend... what's-his-name. You were   
trying to save her?"  
"Of course!" he bellowed. "That is the course my   
heart has set! For I am... VenusDude!" He struck a pose.  
"Nice to meet you, VenusDude," MarsGuy said. "Would   
you mind not pointing your gun at me? I think we're   
friends. Or we used to be, anyway."  
VenusDude blinked. "Oh, right," he said. "Sorry.   
I wasn't actually planning on shooting you." He pocketed   
the pistol and removed his mask. "Real name's Carl, by   
the way."  
MarsGuy removed his own mask. "John. Sorry about   
blowing your big chance. If I had known you were there   
beforehand, we could have each planned an entrance or   
something."  
"That's okay," Carl said. "I probably would have   
screwed it up anyway. I'll just walk up to tomorrow and   
say hello, or something. I mean, if we're soulmates or   
whatever, she probably won't reject me, right? So I guess   
I don't have anything to worry about."  
"That's a mature way of looking at it," John   
remarked, standing up. "Good luck, man."  
"Thanks," Carl said. "Hey, I'll hopefully see you   
on a double-date soon."  
John chuckled fakely and waved. He then jumped from   
rooftop to rooftop until he was out of Carl's sight.  
"Asshole," both of them muttered.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
  
Conan O'Brien sat at his desk and laughed as the   
band played the show back from commercial. He grinned his   
trademark grin. "Our first guest tonight is world-famous   
as one of Crystal Tokyo's elite team of fighting   
superheroes, the Sailor Senshi," he announced. "She   
currently touring North America to promote her new book,   
"Fiery Hearts", which has been number one on the New York   
Times bestseller list for three weeks. Ladies and   
gentlemen, please welcome Sailor Mars!"  
The Max Weinberg Seven played a jazzy version of   
Great Balls of Fire as Mars walked out, shook Conan's   
hand, and took a seat.  
"Welcome," Conan greeted. "Always an honor to have   
a senshi come on the show."  
"Thanks," Mars said, with a slight accent. "Yeah,   
who've you had before? Uh, Neptune, didn't you? And   
Mercury, right?"  
"Yes, Mercury kicked off our first show after the   
freezing." Conan chuckled to himself. "I remember before   
the show, she was like, 'Okay, if I'm boring, you'll tell   
me, right? I don't want to be boring.' And it was just   
bizarre, because here was this beautiful woman who had   
just saved the world, for chrissake, and she was worried   
about being boring on my show. I was like, 'Lady, it's   
12:30. They're already asleep.'"  
Mars smiled and nodded. "Yeah, she was REALLY   
nervous about doing this. To tell you the truth, I'm   
pretty nervous too. Saving the world is one thing, but   
American teevee is another. No offense, but this country   
seems to be very... fickle about its celebrities."  
"That's not true," Conan said. "I'm still on,   
aren't I? "Ha ha ! Ha! No, but, yes, you're right. I   
mean, you can save the world, and Americans will be like,   
'Hey, thanks, that's great. Wow, a new Tom Hanks   
movie!!'"  
Mars laughed. "I probably shouldn't say this, but   
our friend Mercury has kind of a crush on young Leo   
DiCaprio." The audience reacted suitably.  
"You just gave the National Enquirer three years   
worth of material," Conan quipped. "Actually, that   
brings up an interesting point," he continued, more   
seriously. "Mercury is free from any romantic   
attachments, correct? In fact, you are one of the very   
few senshi who is involved with anybody."  
Mars smiled. "Yep. Me and Venus are the only   
ones."  
"Has this been going on a long time?"  
"Several years," Mars answered. "Yep, he's an   
American, actually. Named John."  
"John, eh? How'd you meet him? It would be   
difficult for senshi to date, I would imagine."  
"I met him back when we still had secret   
identities." Prudently, she refrained from getting into   
the whole past life thing. "We just dated a while, and...   
we're still together now."  
"That's very sweet," Conan said.   
"Isn't it, though?" Mars replied. "It's so fucking   
sweet I could just fucking puke."  
There was a silence.  
"Um, you'll edit that out, won't you?" Mars asked.  
"Yeah, I think we will."  
There was another silence. Conan coughed nervously.  
Mars took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "I'm   
sorry. I killed the momentum of the interview."  
"It's okay," Conan said. "Happens more often than   
you'd think. We'll just jump right back in when you're   
ready to continue."  
"I'm ready."  
"Okay." Conan leaned back and tried to look as   
relaxed as he could. "So, tell us about this book of   
yours. It's very successful."  
"Yes," Mars answered. "It's pretty amazing to me.   
I mean, I'd never written anything before."  
"I read it a few days ago, and I really liked it a   
lot," Conan said. "But, I have to admit, I was surprised,   
just because whenever a celebrity tries to write a book,   
it ends up being... not very good. How'd you eventually   
decide to do this?"  
"Um... I believe that several bottles of wine had   
something to do with it," Mars said. "You ever just   
decide to do something late at night, when you'd had a   
little too much to drink?"  
Conan blinked. "Yeah, sure. Uh, I probably   
shouldn't admit that, since I'm Irish and people will be   
like, 'Hey, look at the drunken freak!' But, yeah, I've   
had that experience."  
"It was like that," Mars said. "One night I decided   
to get drunk because John is a little fuckhead, and...   
um... dammit, I'm sorry."  
"It's okay," Conan said. "I'll tell you what, let's   
take a little break, and then we can pick it up where we   
left off."  
"I don't want to mess up the show..." she began, but   
Conan cut her off.  
"I get drunk and start screaming obscenities every   
Friday," he said. "Trust me, it's no problem."  
"Okay," Mars said. "I'm a little nervous, but I'll   
be okay in a minute. Just give me some time to relax."  
"Sure, I haven't had lunch yet anyway," Conan said.   
"Max! Play something soothing!"  
They left the stage, leaving Mars by herself, her   
breathing deep and controlled. Her eyes were closed,   
which is why she didn't notice the reporter for the   
National Enquirer who was in the audience taking her   
picture and praising his lucky stars.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
Hotaru sat in the cafe, eyes slanted in a bitter,   
cynical manner. Ami sat across from her, wondering   
exactly what was wrong.  
"It's nice to see you," Hotaru said with a twinge   
of insincerity. "I don't get to see you inners that much   
these days."  
"Yes, I miss you outers, as well," Ami said. "But   
before we begin catching up, can I ask you an important   
question?"  
Hotaru nodded.  
"Have you noticed anything wrong with Michiru or   
Haruka?"  
"No," Hotaru answered. "As far as I've seen,   
they're perfectly normal. Why do you ask?"  
"I don't know," Ami said. "They just seem strange,   
recently. They don't seem to be acting... in character   
sometimes."  
"What does that mean?"  
"I don't know, really," Ami said. "They're acting   
against their personalities. I mean, everything anybody   
does is based on his or her personality, and Haruka and   
Michiru just aren't reacting to some things the way they   
should based on the way they've done things in the past."  
"I don't really understand what you're saying,"   
Hotaru grumbled. "And I don't really care. You haven't   
justified dragging me all the way out to this cafe yet.   
Please, just make your damn point and let me get out of   
here."  
Ami opened her mouth. Then she closed it again.   
"What I'm trying to say," she declared slowly, "is:   
everything Haruka and Michiru have done and said in the   
past combine to create a model. This model is called a   
'personality', and we use it to predict their thoughts and   
actions in the future. Recently, however, I started   
noticing them doing and saying things that conflict with   
their model, and I find that rather suspicious."  
Hotaru took a metal flask out of her handbag,   
unscrewed the top, and poured a small amount of clear   
liquid into her tea. "Thank you for the detail," the said   
sarcastically, screwing the top back on. "When did you   
first notice this paradigm-smashing of theirs?"  
"Soon after the Starlights left. But it's been most   
alarming recently, especially the way they've been acting   
towards Michiru's boyfriend."  
Hotaru lowered her head. "Fucking boyfriend," she   
mumbled to herself. She looked up at Ami harshly. "He   
doesn't love her," she hissed. "Not one little bit."  
Ami blinked.  
Hotaru laughed bitterly and drank down some of her   
tea. "I'll tell you one thing that doesn't conflict with   
their model," she muttered. "They certainly aren't any   
better parents than they used to be."  
Ami stood up and cast a frantic look down to her   
watch. "I have to go," she said abruptly. "I forgot, I   
have... to go. Goodbye, I hope to see you again soon."   
She walked off very quickly.  
Hotaru smiled and took another sip.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
The gathering was officially a party. But Uranus   
saw it for what it really was: an excuse for everyone to   
drink to excess and act like idiots.  
She sat in the corner, feeling uncomfortable and   
watching her colleagues drinking to excess and acting like   
idiots. She wished she could join in, but she never quite   
warmed to the idea of acting like an idiot, and drinking   
to excess only made her more depressed than she already   
was, a difficult feat. She wished she could leave, but   
didn't want to call attention to herself. So she sat   
there, hoping everyone would eventually either wander away   
or pass out so she could get up and go to bed.  
She blinked, and suddenly a slender form stood   
before her, hands on hips. The figure was connected to a   
picture-perfect face, which contained large eyes, a tiny   
nose, and a smug, sneering mouth.  
"Hello, Neptune," she said, resisting the urge to   
run screaming from the room. "How are you?"  
"I'm fine, honey," Neptune said. "Enjoying the   
drinks?"  
"Uh, nope," Uranus said. "I'm completely sober,   
actually."  
Neptune laughed. "I'm not," she said.  
"I noticed."  
Neptune's expression quickly became sly. "In fact,   
I'm positively shit-faced!" she exclaimed. "I hope no one   
takes advantage of me!"  
She suddenly jumped in Uranus's lap and embraced her   
tightly. "Oh, Uranus!" she wailed. "All these people   
want to take advantage of me! You're my friend! You'll   
protect me, won't you? You'll protect me from the   
horrible people who are in love with me and want to kiss   
and fuck and love me while I'm drunk!"  
Uranus did not move.  
"Urk," she said.  
Neptune buried her face in Uranus's bosom.   
"Ack," Uranus said.  
"Uranus, you're the only one I can trust!" Neptune   
whispered, trembling. "Everyone else is in love with me!"  
Uranus gently patted Neptune's head, being as   
reassuring as she could. "Neptune," she said softly.   
"I... um... have to go to the bathroom."  
Neptune looked up at her, big squooshy eyes wide and   
soft. "Take me with you."  
That was enough for Uranus. She stood up, deposited   
Neptune on the floor, and ran from the room as fast as she   
could. To her credit, she waited until she was through   
the next hallway before she started screaming.  
Neptune laughed until tears streamed down her   
cheeks.  
Jupiter walked up to her and pointed with a beer-  
holding hand. "You really shouldn't do that to her," she   
said. "That's just being mean."  
Neptune kept laughing, as Saturn and Mercury began   
making out in the corner.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
John appeared at Rei's temple wearing the wrinkled   
clothes he had worn on the plane. He saw her sweeping the   
steps, and approached her as suavely as he could. "Hi!"   
he said. "Remember me?"  
Rei didn't speak English all that well, but did   
remember him from both the other day and the other life.   
She set the broom down and signaled for him to come   
inside.  
  
Meanwhile, Carl was writing Minako a love letter   
explaining his position, their shared experiences in the   
past, the mating of their souls and bodies, etcetera.  
It wasn't going so well. The words weren't flowing.   
After a while, he gave up and called her on the telephone.  
"Hi," he said. "This is Carl, your eternal soulmate   
and lover from the last lifetime. Wanna go get some   
coffee?"  
Lucky for him, she recognized his voice from dreams   
she'd had and those strange long-lost memories. She said   
yes.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
"Oh, Maaa-aaars."  
Mars looked up from her book in surprise. John was   
standing before her, completely naked. "What are you   
doing?" she asked.  
He didn't answer. Instead, he grinned and slinked   
into bed next to her. "Oh," she said. "I see now. We're   
going to have sex. Why didn't you say so?"  
"I wanted it to be a surprise," he replied. Then   
he kissed her passionately.   
"Mmmm," she murmured when they broke. "Let's not do   
it for a bit, John. Let's just be close to each other for   
a while, okay?"  
"Okay," John replied, pulling her in tight. He   
kissed her again, on the neck this time, and she moaned   
softly as she relaxed in his arms. This is really the way   
people in love are supposed to act.  
John suddenly rolled away from her, sighing. She   
sat up, giving him a puzzled look. "What is it?" she   
asked. "What's wrong?"  
He continued looking away from her. "It's not going   
to come. I can tell already, it's not going to come."  
She could feel the disappointment trickle through   
her body. "Well, if it doesn't come, it doesn't come,"   
she muttered.  
He curled up into a ball and allowed one or two   
tears to drip from his eyes onto the sheets. "Mars..." he   
said, "I'm trying really hard to love you, here."  
She reached out and touched his muscular shoulder.   
"So am I," she whispered. "Don't worry. It'll come soon,   
for the both of us."  
He rolled back over and looked her in the eyes. "I   
hope so. I'm tired, Mars. I'm tired of not feeling   
anything."  
"It'll come soon," she repeated. "It has to. Just   
keep thinking about how things will be different once it   
does come. Just think about how happy we'll be...   
together."  
He closed his eyes and smiled. "You're right," he   
said quietly, reaching out and holding her hand gently.   
"The love will come soon. It has to."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
Michiru and Geordie had been going out for a month   
now, and things were not going so great for them. Nothing   
serious, just a brief rut.  
He was waiting downstairs for her, chatting politely   
with Setsuna, who thought he was the most boring man she'd   
ever met.   
About twenty minutes after he'd arrived, Michiru   
came down the stairs.  
"You look pretty today," he commented, meaning it.  
She gave him a sideways glance. "What does that   
mean?" she asked.   
"Uh... it means you look pretty today."  
She regarded him closely, with a frightening,   
squinty expression. "No, really, what does that mean?"  
"It doesn't mean anything, it just means... it just   
means you look pretty today!"  
She raised an eyebrow. "Are you saying that the   
fact that I'm pretty doesn't mean anything?"  
Setsuna excused herself from the room.  
"No!" Geordie protested. "Of course it means   
something! I was just pointing out that I thought you   
looked pretty today!"  
A pause.  
"Does that mean I wasn't pretty yesterday?" Michiru   
inquired angrily.  
Geordie was quite flustered. "Um... no, of course   
you were pretty yesterday."  
"Then why did you feel the need to point it out   
now?" Michiru snapped. "If you really thought I was   
pretty, you'd either mention it every day, or take it for   
granted. It wouldn't just suddenly strike you to bring it   
up today!"  
"I... just seeing you on the stairs in that dress...   
the way you were walking and the way your hair is... I   
just thought it would..."  
"Do you think me being pretty is something odd? Do   
you think it's some anomaly that suddenly popped in out of   
thin air?"  
"I was just... I..."  
"You've thought I was ugly this whole time, haven't   
you?"  
"Uh."  
"Haven't you?!"  
"Um."  
"All this time, you thought I was ugly!" Michiru   
yelled. "I can't BELIEVE you!"  
"I was just trying to be nice!" Geordie protested.  
"Yeah, well you screwed that up!" Michiru screeched,   
trembling with rage. "Are you even aware how much effort   
goes into this face?! I wake up at FIVE A.M. every   
morning and spend HOURS getting my appearance EXACTLY   
PERFECT!! And now I find out I haven't even done it right   
before TODAY?!!"  
"I..."  
Michiru stomped to the front door and opened it. "I   
think you should leave!"  
Absolutely bewildered, Geordie started walking   
towards the door. He apparently wasn't fast enough, since   
Michiru grabbed him and physically threw him out, slamming   
the door behind him.  
Tears welled up in Michiru's eyes, but she kept them   
from dripping out through sheer force of will. She   
inspected herself in the hall mirror. As always, there   
were no flaws, but she was suddenly unsure if she was   
indeed a good judge of herself.   
Haruka appeared behind her. "What a jerk," she   
remarked.  
"I know," Michiru murmured, not pulling her eyes   
away from the reflective glass for a second. "Haruka...   
I'm always beautiful, aren't I?"  
"Are you kidding?" Haruka said without hesitation.   
"Of COURSE you're always beautiful. You're the most   
beautiful person I know."  
Michiru smiled, and looked away from the mirror and   
at her friend. "I knew it. Thank you, dear."  
They briefly embraced, and then Haruka offered to   
treat Michiru to dinner. Michiru agreed, partly because   
she wanted to get her mind off of Geordie and partly   
because she liked being seen in public with such a   
handsome person, even if everyone did know their   
relationship was platonic.  
  
Setsuna, meanwhile, sighed. Geordie knew about the   
senshi, and therefore, now that he was no longer involved   
with Michiru, had to be eliminated. "Goddamn it, why do I   
always get the dirty work?" she asked herself out loud.  
It was her own fault, though. She hadn't stopped   
Michiru from blurting it out.   
Poor Michiru. She had actually made herself think   
that relationship was going to be long-term.   
Setsuna sighed again.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
Saturn hunched in front of the computer, the glare   
off the computer screen illuminating her own. Pluto stood   
next to her, sighing. "Oh, Saturn," she muttered   
dolefully. "Why do you do this to yourself?"  
"Can't run away from the truth," Saturn replied.   
"Gotta stare it in the face until it backs down."  
"This isn't the truth," Pluto protested. "This is   
an internet site featuring the so-called 'humor' of some   
fourteen year-old American named Jason. Besides, what do   
you care what the idiots out there think of you? You're   
bigger, stronger, and more powerful than any of them will   
ever be."  
"That's easy for you to say," Saturn said hoarsely.   
"You're not the one plastered across popular culture with   
dog ears and a tail." She pointed at the computer screen,   
which featured a picture of herself lounging in a garden   
(scanned from the pages of a magazine) with fake, badly   
drawn canine features added all over her body. "I liked   
that picture, too," she muttered. "That was a good shoot.   
The photographer said I looked really good."  
Pluto was about to reply, but then Queen Neo-  
Serenity came into the room. "Hi, guys, what's going on?"   
she asked in a friendly manner.  
"Saturn is once again immersing herself in the worst   
parts of humanity," Pluto answered, indicating the   
computer screen.   
The queen walked over and regarded the doctored picture.   
She sighed, and looked at the two senshi morosely.   
"You're not ugly, Saturn," she said.   
"Thank you," Saturn replied. She did not sound   
convinced.  
"This is awful," Neo-Serenity muttered. "There is   
an entire site devoted to tearing you down?"  
"Oh, no!" Saturn answered with false enthusiasm. "I   
mean, yes there are plenty, but this isn't one of them.   
This particular site is a COLLECTION of senshi-related   
humor!" She clicked the back link twice and showed the   
main page. "The whole gamut is represented here, from   
'Uranus is a dyke' to 'Mars is a bitch'! Of course, I am   
the butt of most of the jokes, but Jupiter is beginning to   
catch up."  
"Jupiter?" the queen asked. "What bad things could   
anybody have to say about her?"  
"Look." Saturn clicked the Jupiter link. They all   
read, boredom showing in Saturn's eyes, ennui in Pluto's,   
and tears in Neo-Serenity's.  
They were too distracted by the jokes to notice the   
arrival of the inner senshi before they were actually all   
in the room. "What are you looking at?" Mars asked.  
The queen whirled around. "Oh, ah," she stuttered,   
"nothing. Just, uh, 'surfing the net', you know. Getting   
our feet wet in cyberspace. Very boring, actually. Hey,   
guys, let's go plan a costume ball and then throw it,   
okay?"  
But Jupiter had gotten close enough to notice her   
own name on the screen, and she took a step closer to read   
the context in which it appeared:  
  
"Why did Sailor Jupiter break the window? Because she   
wanted to see what was outside"  
"how can you tell that sailor Jupiter has been trying to   
work on her new computer? the monitor is smashed and the   
mouse is still in the box!"  
"Sailor Jupiter, Sailor mars, and sailor Mercury are   
stranded on a desert island. One day a magic lamp wahses   
ashore, and mercury picks it up and rubs it.  
A genie appears, and says he will give each of them one   
wish for setting him free. Immediately, mercury says,   
"Send me back to Crystal tokyo!" and poof, she   
dissappears.  
Mars then says, "i want to go to Crystal Tokyo too!" And   
poof, she's gone too.  
the Genie turns to Jupiter. She scratches her head.   
"Give me a minute to think," she says. After a few   
minutes, she mutters, "I wish mercury and Mars were here,   
theyd know what to wish for."  
And so on, for ten more pages.  
  
Tears sprang to Jupiter's eyes, and she brought a   
hand to her face and ran off crying. For a few seconds   
the others stood there in awkward silence, wondering who   
should be the one to chase after and console her.   
Finally, and surprisingly, Pluto bit the bullet and   
followed.  
Jupiter was leaning against a potted plant in a   
hallway, sobbing her heart out. Pluto stopped a few feet   
away from her and stood there in silence. Jupiter   
eventually looked up, sniffling. "What-what are you doing   
here?" she whimpered.   
Pluto smiled halfway. "Sometimes I forget all of   
you are still just kids," she said.   
"Don't lecture me about my maturity!" Jupiter   
whimpered. "You don't know what it's like to see   
something like that written about you for anyone to see!"  
"Sadly, no," Pluto said. "Most people consider me   
too boring to be good joke material. That's where the   
people have put me. I'm the boring one, just like Venus   
is the sexy one, Saturn is the ugly one, and you're the   
big, dumb one. It's all utterly meaningless."  
"It's not my fault!" Jupiter sobbed. "I-I get   
flustered in front of cameras! I try to say smart things,   
but it always comes out wrong!"  
"Oh, don't blame yourself," Pluto said. "The deck   
is stacked against us every day of our lives."  
"Why do they do that to us?" Jupiter whined. "We   
fight for them! We've saved their lives a million times!   
Why..."  
"Because they're jealous," Pluto interrupted simply.   
"They wish they were you, and they are not, so they mock   
you." She leaned closer. "But let me tell you something.   
No matter who's out to get you or what obstacles you face   
or what handicaps you have, you are going to be okay.   
Because that's the way things are. Regardless what   
happens or what has happened in the past, you, as a   
senshi, are going to be happy." She leaned even closer;   
their lips were almost touching. "And let me tell you   
something else," she whispered. "Of all the people in   
this castle, you're the only one I think is smart enough   
to understand that."  
Jupiter sniffled as Pluto walked away.  
The inner senshi cautiously walked into the room and   
embraced Jupiter as a group, but it was already okay. She   
had stopped crying.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
Queen Serenity looked down at the two unintimidating   
men standing before her. "Let me get this straight," she   
said. "You both want me to give you super-powers."  
"Yes, your majesty," Ragen said sincerely.  
"And what is the reason for this request?"  
"Aliens, your majesty," Forrde answered.  
"Aliens?"  
"Yes. If aliens attack the palace, what can we do?   
Mars and Venus will be too busy fighting them to protect   
us. If we can't take care of ourselves, then we'll be   
easy pickings for the evil brain-suckers."  
Serenity suppressed a smile. "You don't trust our   
defenses?"  
"Queen Serenity, we don't know what's out there,   
what hostile beings could be coming to get us right now,"   
Forrde said seriously. "Why, they may very well have   
already infiltrated the moon. As soon as they sense the   
opportunity, they could strike! Take over our minds and   
use our bodies to launch a revolution from the inside! Or   
they could hold us for hostage and force Venus and Mars to   
choose between saving the world and saving us! You don't   
want them to have to make such a decision, do you?"  
Serenity couldn't suppress her smile anymore, and   
therefore smiled. "No, I don't. But I also don't want   
them living with a couple of guys who are so insecure and   
sexist they can't take it that their girlfriends are more   
powerful than them."  
Forrde laughed nervously. "Uh... we don't want to   
be more powerful than they are," he said. "We just want   
to be able to take care of ourselves, that's all."  
"Hmmmph," Serenity said. "I'm going to need a   
little bit of time to think about this. Come back in... a   
week. I should have your answer by then."  
Forrde nearly protested, but was quickly pulled from   
the room by a bowing and thanking Ragen.  
Serenity sat alone on her throne. "What a couple of   
assholes," she muttered. Then she stood up to get a soda,   
but was interrupted by the entrance of a guard.  
"Your majesty," she bellowed, "The Honorable Prince   
Endymion of Earth wishes to make a request of you!"  
Serenity sighed and sat back down. "Show him in,   
please."  
Endymion walked in, bowed, and spread his arms wide.   
"My gracious queen," he declared officially, "though words   
cannot express my thanks at…"  
"Skip it," Serenity interrupted. "What do you   
want?"  
"Um..." Endymion was a bit thrown off his game.   
"Uh... I just wanted to know if you could... let me have   
some powers, like you gave to the senshi." Her facial   
expression frightened him. "Um... I'm not presumptuous   
enough to want to be a senshi myself, but, because of your   
daughter, I'm staying here permanently, and, should…any   
danger arise, I don't... uh... want to be absolutely   
useless in the fight. I mean, I train very hard at the   
martial arts and sword-fighting, but still... uh..."  
He stopped. She glared at him. He was rather   
uncomfortable.  
"Queen Sere... "  
"Get... out," she growled. "Come back... in a   
week."  
He bowed and exited the throne room very quickly.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
Rei and John had been on nine dates now, and both   
seemed reasonably happy about it. Not that anyone else   
really knew, since John had no friends and Rei wasn't   
talking about the relationship with hers.  
Finally, on a hot Saturday afternoon, she was   
cornered in her room by Usagi, who demanded to know   
DETAILS, REI, DETAILS!  
Rei resisted, but eventually decided what the hell.   
She told Usagi about the dinners, the movies, the pseudo-  
conversations, the making out, the oral sex, etc. Usagi   
listened with the kind of zeal usually only found in rabid   
ferrets.  
"Aaaaaaaa!" she squealed. "Rei, this is SO CUTE!!   
D'ya think you're gonna stay with him for a while?!"  
Rei shrugged. "Yeah," she said. "I feel like I   
will. I think about him a lot, I get all funny when I'm   
around him…I guess I'm in love with him."  
Usagi smacked Rei in the arm. "Rei!! Then you   
should be bouncing up and down and yelling and being nice   
to everyone and stuff!"  
Rei rubbed her arm. "That hurt," she said.   
"Rei!" Usagi wailed. "You should be all excited!"  
"I don't need to hear this," Rei said. "I'm just   
going to ignore you if you're going to yell like that."  
"But Reeeeeeei..."  
"That's it," Rei said, standing up and stomping over   
to the door. "I have to meditate. Get out of here."  
  
  
Meanwhile, Makoto and Minako were having a similar   
conversation. Minako had been very up-front about her   
romantic activities (she was proud they existed), but had   
never really gone deep into her feelings for Carl. Secure   
and alone with trustworthy Makoto, however, she opened up.  
"I love him," she said. "I love him so much... I   
can't describe to you how much I love him. It's   
incredible the amount of love that I have for him."  
Makoto looked surprised. "Then why aren't you   
excited?" she asked.   
"I am."  
"You sure don't look like it. What's wrong?"  
"I dunno," Minako muttered drearily. "I guess... I   
guess I always expected this whole love thing to be a   
bigger deal."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
Forrde, Ragen, and Endymion stood before the queen.   
All three were sweating out of nervousness.  
Her demeanor, however, did not add to that. She was   
light and friendly, and was even smiling in a warm,   
welcoming manner.  
"I have come to a decision," she said. "I have   
decided... to grant your requests for special powers."  
All three breathed a sigh of relief and thanked her.  
The smile seemed to consume the entire lower half of   
her face. "You should be proud, and consider these gifts   
as an honor."  
"We do, Your Majesty," Endymion said.  
"I know you do. Well, down to business. From now   
on, all three of you will be able to jump very high, and   
balance on thin railings and branches."   
She paused. They didn't say anything.  
"That is all."  
They didn't move. She looked at them.   
"But..." Forrde began, but she cut him off.  
"I granted your request." She wasn't smiling   
anymore. "You have the powers you asked for. What else   
should you want?"  
"Um... nothing, Queen Serenity," Endymion said.  
"Good." The smile came back. "And I have a special   
treat for all of you! Stupid-looking masks!" She tossed   
one to each man. "Try them on! Oh, they're perfect. You   
all are required to wear them whenever you want to use   
your powers."  
The three guys looked at each other uncomfortably.  
"You are all very welcome," she said, raising an   
eyebrow.  
They all muttered thank-yous.  
"I appreciate the courtesy," she said. "You are all   
dismissed."  
They shuffled out slowly. Luna, sitting at   
Serenity's feet, looked up at the queen. "What was the   
point of that?" she asked. "Why didn't you just not give   
them any powers at all?"  
"I wanted to torture them," Serenity explained. "I   
don't like men very much."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
She was a gorgeous young woman. Her hair was blonde   
and her smile was bright; she could make her eyes shine   
and dance at will. She was an American, living in Crystal   
Tokyo, working as a talent scout for a baseball team. She   
was completely bilingual, and she had an I.Q. of 135. In   
college she had been a star soccer player. She had a   
strong sense of humor, and was basically the kind of   
person who makes everybody around her feel comfortable.   
International uber-corporations courted her for obvious   
reasons. So did men.  
Her name was Evita. Carl knew that, but not well   
enough that he could call it up at the drop of a hat. It   
didn't come up much; the situation didn't exactly warrant   
going around introducing her to anyone. To do so would   
have basically been an act of murder-suicide.  
Evita knew that, but she didn't like thinking about   
it. So, she stopped thinking and just started staring at   
him in wonder.  
The hotel restaurant was dark, which was they way   
Carl liked it. Paparazzi were around every corner, and   
though by himself he wasn't big news (basically only the   
senshi-obsessed crazies would even recognize him), he was   
Sailor Venus's boyfriend. For him to be caught with a   
woman who wasn't Sailor Venus... well, it wouldn't be   
pretty.  
Evita hated the dark restaurant. She would have   
preferred something outdoor, a cafe with tables out on the   
sidewalk, where they could sit and drink cappuccino and   
gaze into each other's eyes. She kept telling herself   
that the lighting was the reason he never spent much time   
gazing into her eyes.  
"My fish is cold," he muttered. "Goddamn hotel... I   
swear they do this just to piss me off."  
"I'm sorry," she said, frowning. "Do you want some   
of mine? It's pretty good." She laughed slightly. "Of   
course, this is the first chance I've gotten to eat all   
day, so maybe I think it's better than it is. Work is   
just getting so hectic..."  
"No, forget it." He pushed his plate away and   
brooded. "Let's just go up to your room."  
"Um." She looked down at her plate, nearly filled   
with food. She set down her fork. "Okay."  
He smiled and stood up, but she did not do the same.   
"But...wait," she said softly.  
"What?" He sat back down quickly, looking around.   
"Is anyone watching? Did you see a flash go off?"  
"No, no, it's nothing like that," she said. "It's   
just..." she bit her lip, trying her best to choose her   
next words carefully, "do you... love me, Carl?"  
"Oh," he said, relieved. "Of course I do, babe."  
"No, that's not what I meant," she murmured. "Men   
use that word and it doesn't mean anything, like 'hungry'   
or 'tired' or something like that. I want to know if you   
love me how I mean it. I want to know if your love for me   
takes over your mind and crushes your soul and makes you   
feel bigger than the universe and happier than you're ever   
been, ever, since you were a little kid. Do you love me   
like that?"  
He smiled that brilliant smile of his. "Of course I   
do, babe."  
"Then why don't you leave her?" she implored   
suddenly, her eyes wide and anxious. "Why don't you come   
away with me?"  
He laughed quietly. "You know I can't do that," he   
chuckled.  
"But... why not?" she whimpered, crestfallen.  
"Because that's ridiculous. I could never do that.   
Besides," he took her hand, "You can't tell me you're   
completely unhappy with the way things are."  
She gazed into his eyes, and found herself either   
too dazzled to lie or too cowardly to tell the truth; she   
couldn't determine which was the case. "No," she   
whispered. "Of course I'm happy."  
"Good." She flashed his smile again and stood up.   
This time she followed suit, placing some money on the   
table as she did so. The two of them made their way,   
inconspicuously, to the elevator.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
"I'm serious, Makoto, there's something really   
strange going on!"  
Makoto just wasn't sure how to take this. She   
trusted Ami to understand things she herself couldn't, but   
what that girl was babbling just didn't make any sense.   
"I really don't get what you're saying," she said.  
"Everyone's acting... not normal! For the past few   
weeks, everyone's either been doing things completely out   
of character, or acting like a shallow... stereotype!"  
"We were always stereotypes, Ami," Makoto said.  
"No..."  
"Yes," Makoto interrupted. "Every single one of us   
is a pretty shameless stereotype. You have to admit   
that."  
"Okay," Ami conceded. "But at least we had more   
than one side to it. Now everybody's just...it's as if   
God is just flying off the seat of His pants and making us   
do whatever pops into His head! Why did I just say that?!   
I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD!!"   
Makoto grabbed the panicking girl by the arms and   
did her best to comfort her. "Ami," she said. "You're   
not making any sense."  
"Of course not!" Ami yelled. "Everything is   
breaking down! Personalities... relationships...   
storylines... all either ignored completely or reduced to   
simplistic dreck! I DON'T ACT LIKE THIS!! WHY AM I   
ACTING LIKE THIS!!?"  
Makoto embraced Ami in utter bewilderment. "Ami...   
I know things haven't quite been normal since we beat   
Galaxia, but nothing in our lives is ever normal. You   
can't get so upset about it. We do what we do and we act   
how we act, and that's just the way it is. Nobody   
controls us. Nobody sits there with a word processor and   
writes out what we do and how we react to things. Don't   
torture yourself over this, because it's just not real."  
"The least He could have done was make an outline   
first!" Ami screeched, and began sobbing onto Makoto's   
shoulder.  
Makoto hugged the girl tightly. "It's finally   
happened," she thought with a mixture of sadness and   
frustration. "Ami's finally snapped."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
BEGIN TRANSMISSION  
  
(Opening sequence)  
  
SG: (Appearing, on crutches) Hello, everyone, I'm Space   
Ghost. Our guests tonight, leggy superheroine Sailor   
Pluto, and leggy singer/songwriter Tom Waits! Say hello   
to Zorak, everyone.   
  
Z: What's with the crutches?   
  
SG: What crutches?  
  
Z: Those crutches right there!  
  
SG: I don't know what you're talking about.  
  
Z: The crutches! Why do you have crutches?!  
  
SG: Oh. I, uh, I fell down the stairs.  
  
Z: You FELL DOWN the STAIRS?  
  
SG: That's right. I tripped.  
  
M: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  
  
SG: (Blinks) Is something wrong, Moltar?  
  
M: Heh heh... no.   
  
Z: Klutz.  
  
SG: I AM NOT A KLUTZ!! I WILL NOT HAVE THAT WORD SPOKEN   
ON THIS SHOW!!  
  
Z: Okay, okay. Jeez.  
  
M: What's with you?  
  
SG: My mother used to call me a klutz. She said she   
cursed the day she was cursed with such a curse of a klutz   
for a son. (Sniffles) Zorak, play me to the desk.   
(Sniffles again)  
  
Z: Maybe I should carry you to the desk.  
  
SG: Forget it. Just forget it. (He invisos to his   
position behind his desk)  
  
M: What, you gonna cry now, baby? Baby gonna cry?  
  
SG: Leave me alone. My armpits hurt. (Covers his face   
with his hand, tries not to cry)  
  
SP: Hello?  
  
SG: (Bolting upright) What?! Oh, it's the guest. Who are   
you again?  
  
SP: I'm Sailor Pluto.  
  
SG: ARE YOU CALLING ME A KLUTZ?!  
  
SP: Uh, no. I don't think anyone could get away with   
that.  
  
SG: My mother could get away with it, that's who! She'd   
call me a klutz all the time. She'd hold me out a second   
story window by my feet and yell, "Klutz! Klutz! Special   
delivery klutz!" (Sniffle)  
  
SP: I don't think that's fair at all.  
  
SG: Really? Will you be my new mother?  
  
SP: Uh... sure. Want some milk?  
  
SG: Do I! Give it to me after the show. Hey, hear that,   
Zorak? This Japanese chick is gonna give me some milk and   
be my new mother!  
  
SP: Japanese chick?  
  
SG: Uh...  
  
SP: Chick?  
  
SG: Um... Zorak made me say it! He's a bad influence!  
  
Z: Hey!  
  
SP: Very well, then. I forgive you.  
  
SG: Yaaaay! So, Pluto-baby, you fight evil, do ya?  
  
SP: Oh yeah. All the time.  
  
SG: Y'know, I used to fight evil.  
  
SP: Really? Is that true?  
  
SG: Yup. Back in the sixties. Say, do you find my blank,   
white eyes attractive?  
  
SP: Um... (Laughs)  
  
Z: That's not a healthy thing to say to your mother.  
  
M: No one finds your stupid creepy eyes attractive.  
  
SP: Moltar? Was that Moltar?   
  
SG: Yes. You get used to him. Anyways...  
  
SP: Hi, Moltar.   
  
M: Uh, hi.  
  
SP: I'm very happy to meet you.  
  
SG: Hey, I'm the host! You're supposed to be talking to   
me! Why aren't you talking to me? Zorak, why isn't she   
talking to me? (Sniffle)  
  
Z: Shut up, loser.  
  
SP: I have a confession to make, I'm afraid. Um, ever   
since I first saw you in the mid-sixties... I've had a bit   
of a crush on you, Moltar.  
  
SG: Moltar?  
  
M: Me?  
  
Z: Moltar?  
  
SG: Why Moltar?  
  
SP: I dunno, he's tall, strong, and mysterious. And that   
VOICE! Oh my.  
  
M: I have a sexy voice?  
  
SP: You have no idea.  
  
M: (Fake European accent) Hallo, babee... allez-oop...   
chez la don Quixote... hey, you're right!  
  
SG: What about my voice? I have a heroic voice! Moltar   
sounds like he's got a piece of coal stuck in his throat.   
  
SP: So Moltar, what are you doing after the show?  
  
SG: Hey!  
  
M: I dunno. I thought I would rent one of those movies   
where everyone dies.  
  
Z: Romantic comedy?  
  
M: No, it's...  
  
SG: Yoo hoo!  
  
Z: Documentary?  
  
M: No…  
  
SP: Horror movie.  
  
M: Yeah, that's it. Heh heh.  
  
SG: Hey! Pay attention to me! (He pounds his desk)   
Right now! Pay attention to me right now!  
  
SP: Care for some... company, Moltar?  
  
M: Sure, baby.   
  
Z: Wait, Moltar, what about Linda?  
  
M: Linda? Oh, she was merely a product of my overactive   
imagination.  
  
Z: But what about that time we all went bowling togeth...  
  
M: Shuttup, Zorak.  
  
SP: So should I meet you later?  
  
M: Yeah. If you want, I can... talk during the movie.  
  
SP: Oh, that would be so great. Hey, I'll tell you what.   
I'll meet you on the Ghost Planet after I'm done talking   
to this klutz, okay?  
  
SG: Mommy! No! (Blasts Sailor Pluto)  
  
M: Hey!  
  
SG: Whoops. I accidentally blew away Sailor Pluto. It's   
too bad I'm such a klutz.  
  
M: (Runs off crying)  
  
SG: Moltar? Moltar, I'm sorry! Wait, Moltar, I'm sorry!   
(Flies away)  
  
Z: (Blinks) Why is everyone acting like a weenie today?  
  
INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
The date happened in a bright, exciting neighborhood   
in downtown Crystal Tokyo, which was their first mistake.   
Looking back on it, Uranus realized that she must have   
subconsciously wanted to get caught, and that was the real   
reason she chose the hip discotheque rather than a dark   
hotel restaurant.  
Her date was attractive and personable, but quite   
obviously a woman. "You weren't REALLY gay before you met   
me!" she liked to tease, which got on Uranus's nerves.   
Every date was a game to this woman, a game of "I'm   
dating a celebrity". This contrasted heavily with   
Uranus's experience, in which every date was a horrible   
nightmare, like the one where all the youma laughed at her   
because her skirt was so short.  
Their 'relationship' was a disaster from the   
beginning, but it was that one date where it all came to a   
head. That one date when Uranus's subconscious laughed,   
triumphant, and she got to be in headlines again.  
The doorman glanced at her when she walked in, but   
quickly did a double take. "A... are you who I think you   
are?" he asked nervously.  
"No," she replied, and that always seemed to work,   
since no one could really imagine a senshi frequenting a   
dance club.  
But her date winked at the doorman and said simply,   
"She's lying, she really is Sailor Uranus."   
The whispers spread like a riot: "It's Sailor   
Uranus, look! Is she on a DATE with that woman? I   
thought she was straight! Think she'll dance with me?   
What's she doing here? Look, see? There she is! Ohh,   
she's so hot! See? Shut up, she'd kick your ass if she   
heard you! See? See? But I thought she was straight!"  
It was not Uranus's style to let whispers get in her   
way, and she bravely ordered herself a drink. She sipped   
it, casually, ignoring her date's plea to get on the dance   
floor where everyone could see them.   
When she finished her drink, Uranus calmly stood and   
walked out of the club. Her date tried to follow, but a   
hard glare put a stop to that.   
The next morning, the story broke in newspapers   
around the world. Sailor Uranus was gay again. The   
public ate it up like crackers.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
John sat in his hotel room, his ear to the receiver,   
listening to the satisfying purr of the ringing phone on   
the other end of the connection. He heard a click, and a   
sleepy "Hello?" and immediately went into action.  
"Hi, Amanda. Remember me? Yes... yes, I apologize.   
It's early evening here. Japan. Yeah, well, this is   
costing me a lot, so I'll just... well, I just wanted to   
tell you that I've found someone new. Yeah. We're   
madly in love. She's actually kind of a celebrity over   
here. Maybe you've heard of her. Sailor Mars." He   
quickly hung up and burst into laughter.   
He picked up the receiver and again began to dial.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
Venus sat on her bed, gazing out the window and   
thinking. Jupiter sat behind her, gently brushing her   
friend's massive amount of hair and humming softly to   
herself.  
"Jupiter?"   
"Hmmmm?"  
Venus paused briefly, partially for effect. "Um...   
why haven't you ever gotten a boyfriend? I mean, I've   
told you before how easy it would be, but you just   
don't... why don't you even try?"  
"Because I don't want to," Jupiter answered quietly,   
delicately pulling at a small tangle.  
"Why not?" Venus asked bluntly.  
"Because boyfriends are evil."  
Venus turned her head and gave her a look that   
certainly was not amused. "And how would you know that?"   
she asked. "You don't even remember what that damn   
'sempai' of yours looks like, and he's the last boyfriend   
you've had."  
"I don't have to experience it first-hand," Jupiter   
murmured. "I can see plenty of evidence around me."  
Venus's face hardened and turned angry. "If you're   
implying something, then obviously I'm just not smart   
enough to get it," she said testily. "Please,   
elaborate."  
"I wasn't implying anything," Jupiter replied. "I   
was just stating a fact. Boyfriends are evil, and there   
is plenty of evidence proving that here in this palace."  
Venus pulled her hair away from Jupiter and quickly   
stood up. "What are you talking about?" she asked   
angrily. "This isn't like you, Jupiter! You're supposed   
to be with me on this!"  
"I changed my mind."  
"You changed your mind?! How could you just change   
your mind? This is LOVE we're talking about! It's a   
BEAUTIFUL THING, and you WANT IT DESPERATELY!!"  
Instead of responding, Jupiter simply wrapped her   
friend up in a bear hug before she could even think of   
moving away.   
Venus struggled. "What are you doing?!" she asked.   
"What..." She trailed off when she brushed a hand against   
Jupiter's cheek and found that it was wet. "I'm sorry,"   
she said softly. "I didn't mean to..."  
"No, no, it's not that," Jupiter said, sniffling.   
"It's... I... miss you, Venus."  
"Miss me? You see me every day."  
"No, that's not... I miss you when you were YOU, not   
like you are now. I miss you before...  
"Before he came."  
Venus wanted to push away, but it was too safe in   
her friend's arms, too secure. "There's nothing wrong   
with him," she whispered. "He's wonderful, don't you see   
how much we're in love? I love him so much, why can't you   
just believe that it's beautiful?"  
Jupiter simply hugged her even tighter than before.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
General Harold's Dark Master sat in the chair he   
called a throne. He tried to stand up, but fell down and   
landed, with a deep thump, on the marble floor.  
"Damn you ALL!" he shrieked, shaking his fist in the   
air.  
His guards looked at each other and then down at   
him. "Us?"  
"Yes, if you don't help me up!!" he howled. They   
steadied him and pulled him to his feet, which were small   
and encased in white socks.  
He stomped over to his Magic Viewing Pool, and   
commanded it to show him the senshi. All of the senshi.  
They appeared, floating and two-dimensional,   
rippling cartoon figures laughing up at him with   
innocence, hatred, and compassion. They were beautiful.   
That idiotic Harold was doomed from the start, as   
was anyone who tried to hurt them, anyone who didn't   
respect them, anyone who thought they were just people and   
not the greatest things in the galaxy. He had sent Harold   
to the slaughter to prove this fact for himself.  
He reached out and touched Neptune. She dissolved   
into ripples, and he knew she would, but that didn't stop   
it from being one of the saddest things he had ever   
witnessed. But it was okay, because when the ripples   
stopped and she reformed, whole and beautiful, his heart   
sang like a drunken cowboy.  
The guards stood behind him, pained expressions on   
their faces. "He's staring at them again," one whispered.  
"I know," the other replied. "Creepiest thing I've   
ever seen."  
"Shut up!" the Dark Master wailed. "Just shut up!"  
His tears were falling freely into the pool, and now   
the senshi were just colors swirling into ripples, and   
they wouldn't reform, whole and beautiful, until he   
stopped crying. But he couldn't stop crying until he saw   
them reform, whole and beautiful.  
He loved them. He loved them all. He loved them   
for their darkest fears and their brightest moments. He   
loved them for their kindness, their legs, their strength,   
their humanity, their eyes, and everything else he could   
possibly think of  
But he was ugly, and he was evil.  
He wanted to caress their faces and know they liked   
it. He wanted them to smile at him, he wanted them to pay   
attention to him, he wanted them to say, "It's okay that   
you love us. It's okay, and it's okay," and then lean   
forward and kiss him without saying another word.  
But he was ugly, and he was evil.  
It wasn't fair.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
Uranus was making a sandwich. A roast beef   
sandwich, on whole wheat bread, with mustard and mayo and   
ripe tomatoes. She couldn't decide whether or not to use   
onions.  
Neptune walked in. "How you doing?" she greeted.  
"I'm pretty good," Uranus replied, smiling. "How   
are you?"  
"Fine," Neptune said. "So... you're a lesbian   
again, are you?"  
Uranus froze, sighed, and set down the bread that   
was in her right hand. "I was always a lesbian," she   
said. "I just didn't know for a while."  
Neptune shrugged. "What's the point in struggling   
over this?" she asked. "I never did."  
"What?"  
"Um..." Neptune was blushing. "I mean... you're   
not going to be any more successful than the rest of us   
with romantic relationships. You know that. Why work so   
hard, then?"  
"I don't know, Neptune," Uranus said. "That's not   
even the point anymore."  
"What's the point, then?"  
"I just want to be right about myself. Y'know,   
figure myself out finally."  
Neptune put her hands on her hips. "There's a   
difference between figuring yourself out and figuring out   
whether or not you're a lesbian. If you don't worry about   
it, it will simply cease to be a big issue."  
"That's not true," Uranus argued. "It's   
important..."  
"It's not important," Neptune said angrily. "If you   
never have any kind of relationship, it doesn't matter who   
you're attracted to, does it? It never becomes   
significant."  
"Well, we disagree on that, then," Uranus said.   
There was a brief silence.  
"Sorry," Neptune sighed. "I don't know why I got   
upset."  
"It's okay." There was another brief silence.  
"So..." Neptune said. "You're... making a sandwich   
there, huh?"  
"Oh... yes." Uranus resumed the assembly of her   
lunch.  
Neptune nodded slowly. "Looks good."  
"I hope it will be."  
"Uranus, were you ever attracted to me?"  
Uranus dropped a mayonnaise-covered knife onto the   
floor. "What?"  
"Did you ever look at me and... y'know, did you ever   
think about me that way?"  
"No, of course not!" Uranus exclaimed. "You're my   
best friend, Neptune! Of course I never thought about you   
that way!"  
Neptune frowned. "You always called me beautiful,"   
she protested. "Didn't you mean that?"  
"Yes, I did, but... that's not the same thing! I   
can think you're beautiful without ever wanting to be   
romantic with you!"  
"It never ONCE crossed your mind?" Neptune put on   
her cutest "hurt" face. "NEVER? Not even with Eudial?   
Not even that night in your apartment when we slept in   
your bed together because neither of us wanted to force   
the other onto the couch? Not even when we were taking   
care of Hotaru? Not even when we died together? Not   
even..."  
"Okay!" Uranus suddenly burst out. "Okay! Fine!   
Yes, there were a couple of times that it... crossed my   
mind. But..."  
Neptune grinned. "I knew it," she said.  
"But that doesn't mean..." Uranus trailed off,   
Neptune's pleased grin annoying her more than she cared to   
acknowledge.   
"You're blushing," Neptune remarked.  
Uranus sighed. "Okay, your turn," she said. "Now   
that I've admitted probably the most embarrassing thing of   
my entire life, you have to pay me back. C'mon, cough up   
some secret."  
"I felt the same way, Uranus," Neptune said.  
"What?"  
Neptune suddenly strode forward, cupped Uranus's   
chin in her hand, and kissed her full on the lips. They   
stayed that way for several minutes.  
Off in the distance, fireworks were going off in   
huge numbers, illuminating the night sky. Aretha Franklin   
began singing a passionate, upbeat tune, and several   
large, majestic birds flew in one window of the kitchen   
and out another.  
Neptune finally broke the kiss. She smiled up at   
Uranus. "Did that feel good to you, too?"  
Uranus simply nodded, because she was finding speech   
very difficult at this particular point in time.  
They stared into each other's eyes, strangely   
enough, finding things about themselves and not about the   
other. They stared, finding things that they had never   
imagined in a thousand years.  
And they saw the future.  
A future of sleepless nights and arguments about   
love, a future where one of them died and the other felt   
very bad, a future of pain; a story of lovers trapped   
forever in a cycle of fatiguing disappointment. A future   
of subtle passive-aggressive manipulation on both sides.   
A future of co-dependence.  
Truth be told, it made them both a little sick.  
"I'm sorry," Neptune said breathlessly. "Can we...   
forget that ever happened?"  
"Yes..." Uranus muttered. "That... never happened."  
There was a pause. Neptune coughed uncomfortably.   
  
Around the corner, Pluto breathed a sigh of relief.   
She had just BARELY saved them. That was a dirty trick to   
play, and she hoped their friendship wouldn't suffer   
because of the horrible future she had let them see, but   
even if it did, it was worth it to keep them from   
stumbling into it blindly.   
They had tried to fall in love.  
Pluto felt a little sick.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
It was fairly late at night. Setsuna and Haruka   
were having a very nice conversation, when Hotaru walked   
in, eyes wider and more innocent than usual. "Haruka-  
papa?" she whimpered.  
"Uh-oh," Setsuna thought. Whenever Hotaru snapped   
back into that "papa" and "mama" mode, something either   
really awkward or really adorable was about to happen.   
Given the disturbing way that girl's been acting recently,   
the odds were not good for adorable.  
Hotaru climbed up on Haruka's knee and looked her in   
the eyes plaintively. "Can I ask you a question, Haruka-  
papa?"   
"Of course," Haruka answered. She cast a glance   
over to where Setsuna had been sitting, but the damn fox   
had already made her escape into the dining room.  
Hotaru's eyes took up a good half of her face. They   
were wobbly and filled with tears. "Haruka-papa, why   
don't you and Michiru-mama love each other?" she asked.  
Haruka's breath caught in her lungs. She coughed,   
and truthfully almost choked to death.   
"Are you okay, Haruka-papa?"  
"Y-yes, I'm fine," Haruka stammered. "It was just a   
surprising question, kiddo."  
Hotaru frowned. "It shouldn't be," she said. "You   
two SHOULD love each other."  
"But... but we do love each other," Haruka replied.   
"We're friends, better friends than most people ever have.   
We're like sisters."  
Hotaru shook her head. "That's not good enough!"   
she snapped. "You're perfect for each other! Why can't   
you be in love with her?"  
"I... I just can't, little one. I don't look at her   
that way. I'm sorry, but we're not ever going to be in   
love."  
Hotaru closed her eyes and squeezed a few tears out.   
They dripped down her cheeks and caused Haruka to pull her   
into a tight embrace.  
"But just because we don't love each other doesn't   
mean that we don't love you," Haruka said softly. "We do,   
and so does Setsuna-mama... and when the time comes,   
you're going to have to be willing to welcome new people   
into our family. Someday Michiru-mama is going to get   
married... and I guess someday I will, too, and then   
you'll have a new papa and mama to love you."  
Hotaru sniffled. "I understand," she whispered.  
"Good." Haruka laughed quietly. "Why do you always   
think Michiru and I should be together? Why not Setsuna-  
mama and I? Or Setsuna and Michiru?"  
"Don't be disgusting," Hotaru muttered crossly.   
Haruka laughed again, louder this time, and mussed   
up Hotaru's hair. "It's pretty late," she said. "You'd   
better be off to bed, huh?"  
Hotaru got off Haruka's lap and stretched. "I guess   
so. Um... will you come up and tuck me in?"  
Haruka nodded. "Sure. I'll be up in a minute."   
Hotaru smiled, and headed off towards her bedroom. Haruka   
sat by herself for a moment, thinking.  
Her reverie was interrupted by Setsuna's voice from   
the doorway. "Me and you is kind of a disgusting image,"   
it quipped. "But Michiru and I... you'd be hard-pressed   
to find a red-blooded, heterosexual male who doesn't want   
to see that."  
Haruka laughed for the third time in as many   
minutes. Then she stopped, and again frowned. "I'm   
worried about Hotaru," she said.  
"Don't be," Setsuna replied. "She's a lot smarter   
than she seems, you know. And sneakier. She's too much   
like me for comfort."   
Haruka was thinking about something else, and did   
not reply to Setsuna's statement. "I wonder where she got   
those crazy ideas," she mused. "I mean, Michiru and me in   
love! It's ridiculous!"  
Setsuna smirked. "So you've really never considered   
the possibility of becoming romantic with her?"  
Haruka gave her friend a hard glare. "We've gone   
over this, Setsuna," she grumbled. "No, of course I've   
never considered it. I don't like even thinking about it.   
Can you even imagine? We'd be the most horribly   
stereotypical couple of all time. Do the world a favor   
and shoot me if you ever see me with somebody that much of   
a femme."  
"I hope you weren't kidding, because I will,"   
Setsuna declared, her face deadpan. "Now go on up and   
tuck in Hotaru. She's waiting."  
Haruka nodded, and started to leave, but was stopped   
by Setsuna's voice. "Oh, and maybe you should take her   
fishing or something tomorrow," it suggested. "She needs   
more of you in her, and less of me."  
Haruka considered this for a second, then began   
climbing the stairs up to her daughter's room.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
Makoto sat in her room, restlessly toying with her   
hair. She had braided it, bowed it, even tried odangos   
like Usagi's. She was bored. It was a rainy Sunday, and   
she didn't much feel like going outside.  
Her answering machine beeped. The phone had been   
ringing since she got up a few hours ago, but she didn't   
feel like picking it up. She didn't really feel like   
doing anything.   
She wasn't really depressed, more just annoyed. She   
had realized a number of things while laying in bed that   
morning, things she had been silently ignoring since she   
had become a Sailor Senshi a few years ago.   
One of those things, of course, was Minako.  
Somehow or another, she summoned the will to hit the   
play button on her answering machine.  
  
*beep!*  
  
"Hey, Mako-chan! Its me, Minako, bored as heck over   
here-call me, okay? Bye!"  
  
*beeep!*  
  
"Jeez, Mako-chan, you gonna sleep all day? That new   
Gamera flick just came out, might be good for a laugh.   
It's showing at 5:30... Wanna go? Call back! Bye!"  
  
*beep!*  
  
End of messages. She looked over at her clock. The   
plastic kitty reassured her that yes, it was four o'clock,   
she still had enough time to get dressed and get her butt   
out the door.   
She rolled over. Lightning struck a few miles away,   
briefly illuminating her bedroom. Usually she liked   
thunderstorms, for obvious reasons.  
It wasn't Minako she was avoiding. How could she   
ever avoid Minako? Charming, sweet, beautiful, perfect   
Minako. It was the boyfriend, that annoying, coarse   
American that for some reason got dragged along to nearly   
everything they did.   
Her mind went through the score of boyfriends she   
had had over the past year. Nice boys, all good looking   
and tough (though no one she couldn't beat up.) None had   
lasted for more than a month. She had dumped each and   
every one of them. They were just boring in the end.  
She knew eventually she was going to have to deal   
with her hatred for Minako's boyfriend. Not today,   
though. Seeing them together was painful. It was actually,   
physically painful, a low rumbling in her stomach and   
head. She simply didn't want to deal with it, didn't want   
to deal with any of it. What course of   
action could she pursue? She could tell Minako,   
completely freak her out. Or she could stay put. And   
wait.  
She picked up the phone and hit the second button on   
the speed dial.   
  
*brrring*  
  
"Hello, Aino residence."  
"Minako-chan? It's Makoto, I'm gonna make the movie   
after all."  
"Great! Hey, I hate to ask, but Carl just called..."  
"Yeah, yeah, he can come!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
"Hey, Ragen?"  
"Yes?"  
"Have you been feeling kinda... weird ever since we   
got those powers?"  
Ragen thought for a minute. "What do you mean,   
weird?" he asked.  
Forrde blushed, an uncharacteristic move on his   
part. "Um... kinda horny, but not really horny, y'know?   
It's LIKE horny, only sex doesn't make it go away."  
Ragen's eyes narrowed. "That's creepy," he said.   
"Yes, I have been feeling that, actually. I hate to think   
what she did to make us feel this."  
Forrde nodded. "Maybe she didn't do anything,   
though. Maybe we're just feeling more confident and manly   
now. I want...I want love... and lots of it."  
"That's one way of putting it," Ragen said.  
"Oh," Forrde said, "speaking of, I just got a new   
porno you have to see."  
Ragen raised an eyebrow. "Really? What makes it so   
special?"  
"An octopus, man."  
Ragen raised his other eyebrow, too. "An octopus?!"  
"Yeah! Dude, it's hot!"  
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard!"   
Ragen bellowed. "God, that's...why did you do this to me?   
Why did you tell me that? Now I feel all dirty, man!"  
"It's not that bad," Forrde protested. "It's done   
with class."  
"Class?! How the hell do you make octopus-fucking   
classy?! Little slimy purple thing... shit." He   
shuddered.  
"You haven't seen it."  
"And I'm very happy about that!" Ragen yelled.   
"Shit, all those tentacles, too...pulling and tugging   
and... crap, why'd you do this to me? One thing I do NOT   
need in my life is the thought of somebody being pleasured   
by a bunch of tentacles, man!"  
"Fine," Forrde said. "Forget it."  
"I wish I could!! God, I feel so soiled! I can't   
get these thoughts out of my head, now! They're too   
disturbing to get rid of! I seriously think you just   
fucked me up for life, do you understand that? I don't   
think I'm ever going to be able to have sex again without   
imagining I'm being raped by a bunch of slimy tentacles!"  
Forrde smiled, jumped on top of Ragen, and proved   
him wrong.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
Sailor Mercury lay on her bed, reading a book of   
Newtonian physics. She suddenly blinked and looked around   
the empty room as if she had heard a suspicious noise.   
She sighed, closed the book, and lay back.  
"I can't believe I was reading physics," she   
muttered to the ceiling. "I have other interests besides   
science and mathematics, you know. Just because I'm   
smarter than you does not make me a physicist."  
No one replied.  
"Anyway, I'm glad you're here," she whispered. "I   
need to tell you something."  
Again, no one replied, but the silence was   
listening.  
"I hope, for your sake, it will all work out for   
them," she growled. "I swear, if you give them unhappy   
endings..." She trailed off. The rest of the threat was   
not necessary.  
Even though she received no response, she smiled a   
satisfied smile. With dignified grace, she placed the   
physics book aside and took a thin manga from her bedside   
table. Chuckling softly, she began to read.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
She sat in her room, lightly humming to herself.   
Her silky blonde hair slipped through her fingers as she   
got ready to affix her signature red bow, put on a   
dazzling smile, and greet the world as Aino Minako,   
stunningly beautiful alter-ego of the champion of love and   
justice, Sailor V.  
She whirled to face the mirror, relishing the drama   
of her swirling blonde hair. "I am pretty!" she cheered.   
It wasn't vanity but rather an affirmation, an assurance   
of what she already knew. Even her NAME said she was   
pretty. She studied her reflection with cool affection.   
"If I was a man, I'd be all over myself." She giggled   
and lightly tapped the picture she had scotch-taped to her   
mirror. "But you can do that for me!" she giggled to her   
boyfriend's photograph. "I'm glad I have a boyfriend to   
look pretty for," she cooed.  
And indeed, Carl did many things for her. He was a   
reason to be pretty. He was a ride around downtown Tokyo,   
a cheap date, a source of constant undying affection, and   
a nice way to spend a Saturday night. "Carl Carl Carl,   
he's just a regular boy..." she hummed, (ashamedly) enjoying   
her beautiful voice.  
"He's nowhere near as pretty as me..." she sighed.   
A line from a Shakespeare sonnet she'd learned in school   
popped into her head. The sonnet was, basically, about   
how ugly, unappealing, and all together unwanted by   
everyone else Shakespeare's girlfriend was. (Not MY   
problem, she had thought with a smirk.) But the last line   
had thrown her for a loop: "And though she be all of this   
and more, there's no one else that I love more."  
"That's ridiculous," she murmured to herself. Even   
still, her hands trembled as she ran them through her   
perfect hair. "If someone's THAT ugly, no one would love   
them." She studied Carl's face; it was certainly   
handsome. She giggled. "Haha... take that!"  
(Take that who?!)  
As usual, the logical part of her brain was trying   
to cut in. "Shut up." she hissed, hands shaking worse   
than ever.  
(No! You always ignore me, and I will not take it!   
You're just trying to block me away so you can't be   
hurt--)  
"Of COURSE I can't be hurt." She glared straight   
into her the mirror, into her eyes, holding a steady,   
angry glare with the girl on the other side of the glass.   
"I'M SAILOR V, DAMMIT! PRETTY SOLDIER OF LOVE-"  
(Oh, what do you know of love? Nothing! Love is   
looking beyond imperfections and seeing the true person   
inside instead of focusing on physical appearance. When's   
the last time you did that with Carl? Can you really see   
yourself staying with him? Growing old with him? DYING   
with him?)  
"Shut up." She clamped her hands over her ears.   
Even then an image of Carl, older and decidedly less   
appealing, hovered into her mind. She imagined his lovely   
hair turning gray, his lovely high cheekbones becoming   
jowls...  
(You don't know what love is, Sailor Venus.)   
"SHUT UP!" she shrieked, pulling out long strands of   
golden blonde hair. Her blue eyes flashed as she   
struggled with her inside self, Aino Minako. She tired   
not to think about that 'other self', the girl she could   
have been if she hadn't been Sailor V. "Why don't you   
just leave me alone?" she whimpered.   
She glanced up at the mirror. She saw a girl with   
long beautiful hair, blue eyes shining with solemn tears,   
looking as sad as a beautiful girl ever could. With all   
of the rage she could muster, she slammed her first   
through the mirror in front of her. It exploded, shards   
of glass flying all over the fashionably decorated room.   
She slumped to the floor in a fetal position, holding out   
one arm studded with chunks of glass and sobbing   
uncontrollably.  
A few minutes later Artemis struggled in, dragging   
behind him a first aid box. With amazing dexterity for a   
cat, he flipped open the top and got out some benzene,   
which he began to slosh on her arm. Then, frowning, he   
began to gently pluck the shards of glass from her injured   
arm. She didn't even look up. Artemis sighed.  
"You can't keep doing this every time you get   
angry," he chided her. "The power of the crystal can   
heal you quickly, but it still isn't safe! What if you   
slit an artery? I don't know if--"  
"Artemis..." her voice was muffled underneath a   
cloud of perfect blonde hair. She lay there, supine,   
near sobs, the perfect image of every beautiful girl who   
couldn't even face her own feelings in a mirror. She took   
a deep, quaking breath. "Artemis?"  
"Yes?"  
"Should I wear my new halter top on my date with   
Carl tonight?"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
"They did what?"  
Pluto shook her head grimly. "They almost fell in   
love."  
Saturn was genuinely frightened. "But you stopped   
that, right? They won't be doing it any more, right?"  
"I don't think so. I think we've saved them for   
now."  
"Good." Saturn leaned back, relieved. "Why do you   
think it happened to them?"  
"I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I'm not," Pluto   
replied. "The desire to fall in love is a powerful,   
powerful urge, even with us. I always knew at some point   
I was going to have to step in to keep it from ruining   
their lives."   
"Goddamn love," Saturn muttered.  
"What?"  
"I said, 'Goddamn love.'"  
"Saturn..."  
"It's all just a fucking lie!" Saturn suddenly   
bellowed. "Love's just something made up to placate the   
masses so they won't rebel against the established   
bureaucracy! 'Oh, you don't have any power, but it's   
okay, because your purpose in life isn't to get power   
anyway, it's to grasp onto the Ultimate Force That Rules   
the Universe! Bull SHIT!!" She trembled with rage,   
breathing hard and fast.  
"Are you done?" Pluto asked.  
Saturn didn't answer. Pluto took this as a yes.  
"Okay, first off, we ARE the established   
bureaucracy. Second, you REALLY need to stop getting so   
worked up about this. You scared the hell out of poor   
Mercury the other day when she mentioned that she 'loved'   
W.B. Yeats.  
"And finally... you're wrong. There really IS such   
a thing as love."  
Saturn opened her mouth to protest, but Pluto cut   
her off.  
"Just not for you."  
Saturn considered that, and closed her mouth.  
"I'm fine with that," she said after a while.  
"No, I don't think you are," Pluto replied.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT THIS FANFIC  
  
10. The special contest: Spot the plagiarism, win a   
prize!  
9. EXCELLENT reading while high  
8. That annoying little Pikachu thing is nowhere to be   
found  
7. Y'know that guy who does those stories about being a   
hermaphrodite in love with Artemis? He didn't write this.  
6. You only have to read through it four or five times   
before it starts making sense.  
5. The lame characterization offers a perfect opportunity   
to become intensely possessive of the characters and   
deride any thought or action that does not fit your own   
personal interpretation (Chris Davies only)  
4. Soon to be a major motion picture starring Sarah   
Michelle Gellar, Gena Davis, and Ving Rhames as "John"!  
3. Really pisses off the Christian right  
2. Won't inspire you to waste your precious time writing   
congratulatory e-mails  
1. Three words: Ami Goes Crazy!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
Whenever Minako touched Carl, she felt a little   
spark of electricity (a cliche that must be used, for   
reasons that will be explained later) run through her   
body, from the area of contact straight down to her loins,   
making every part in between tingle with something she   
couldn't describe, not that anyone else could. Had she   
really tried, she would have had to rely on random,   
hackneyed descriptions and images (see the previous   
sentence for a good example).  
One day she asked Carl how he really felt about her.   
He started gushing (a word that suggests insincerity) all   
about how much he loved her, how much he worshiped her,   
how beautiful and fun and sweet she was. And she believed   
him (a good thing, since he was being completely sincere).  
Then he asked her the same question. She responded   
with a similar (nearly to the word) report of devotion.   
They kissed.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
Usagi was shivering a bit as she and Rei walked down   
the hall of the mental institution. She was, indeed,   
quite nervous.   
"What's the matter with you?" Rei asked.  
"Nothing," Usagi answered. "I'm just... kinda   
scared. I don't want to say or do something that will   
make her worse, y'know? You're SURE this was the right   
thing to do?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"You know," Usagi said uncomfortably. "Making   
her... stay here." Tears filled her eyes. Again. "I   
can't believe she went crazy... I hope she'll get better   
soon."  
They reached the door to Ami's room at this point,   
and stood outside, finishing their conversation. Rei   
sighed. "Man, Usagi, how many times do we have to explain   
it to you? Ami didn't go crazy. She just had a small   
breakdown. We all knew it was going to happen sooner or   
later, and so did her mother, so she sent her to stay here   
for a couple of weeks to help her deal with all the stress   
she puts on herself. Is that detailed enough for you?"  
Usagi rolled her eyes. "Yes, Rei."  
"Now remember what they told us," Rei said. "We   
don't talk about any problems, anything complicated.   
Everything's nice and mellow." Usagi nodded. They went   
in.  
The room was comfortable, with a full bookshelf, a   
nice chair, and a small bed all neatly arranged. Ami was   
in the chair, looking up at them as they walked in. There   
were dark rings under her eyes.   
"Hi, Ami, how are you?" Usagi said, smiling.  
"Plot exposition," Ami muttered.  
"What?"  
"That's what you were giving out there, Rei, telling   
the whole story leading up to me being committed. Usagi   
knows that story, and yet you told the whole thing as if   
she didn't. And I'm sorry, but the whole 'Rei's being   
condescending' thing is very weak. No one in their right   
mind would ever act like you just did." She chuckled.   
"In real life, anyway."  
Rei and Usagi gave each other a look.  
"I'm sorry," Ami said, standing up. "I was being   
rude. Have a seat, make yourselves comfortable."  
"We're fine," Usagi said.   
Ami nodded, and gave a faint smile. "In answer to your   
question, Usagi, I'm as well as can be expected. The   
staff treats all of us very well, and the doctors... do   
their best."  
"Yes, we're very lucky to live in a country that   
provides adequate funding for the treatment of those with   
mental disabilities," Rei said. "Imagine if we lived in   
somewhere that has had sub-standard mental-health   
facilities for decades, and just throws people who need   
help out on the street, where they eventually die,   
homeless and impoverished. That would just be terrible!"  
"Amen!" Usagi agreed.  
Ami glared at them.  
"What?"  
"You just made a political statement," Ami growled.   
"Since when have either of you ever made a political   
statement?" She looked up at the ceiling. "That was low,   
randomly incorporating your social values into this!" she   
yelled to nobody. "Don't force it onto our lives!!" She   
collapsed into the chair, looking very tired indeed. "I   
mean," she murmured. "There must be better forums with   
which you can get your point across."  
Rei and Usagi did not say a word.  
"I'm sorry," Ami said to them. "I'll get used to it   
eventually. I just won't think about it, and hopefully it   
won't make much of a difference. Right now, I suspect,   
I'm being tortured on purpose." She sighed. "You two are   
so lucky not to have figured out our situation."  
Rei and Usagi continued not saying a word.  
"I know I'm acting crazy," Ami said. "It's the   
stress. I worked myself too hard. I'll get over it soon,   
though. Thank you for caring about me enough to visit."  
They did understand that. "You're welcome," Usagi   
said, smiling warmly. "Want to hear about our day?"  
Ami gave off a smile in response to Usagi's, but it   
was not warm, but wan. "Sure."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
Uranus paced the length of Neptune's room. She   
paced, and she practiced. "I love you. I... love you.   
Neptune... I love you. I love you, Neptune."  
Man, that sounds stupid.  
We senshi are made of love, she thought. It's our   
source of power, and we're damn powerful, so we got a   
helluva lot of it. Does Neptune deserve ALL of mine?  
No, of course not. But she's got it anyway.   
She decided the best was a warm sincerity, a sweet,   
sensitive murmur. That would be a stark contrast to her   
usual bombastic self, and Neptune would know that   
something really important was happening.  
The door opened. Uranus whirled around, sweaty and   
trembling. "I love you!" she squeaked out.  
Sailors Neptune and Jupiter stood in the doorway,   
looking at her with surprise. "Who, me?" Jupiter asked.  
Neptune sighed. "No, she meant me." She walked up   
to Uranus and pointed her finger in her face   
threateningly. "You're an idiot, do you know that?" she   
whispered harshly. "How did you expect me to react to   
this? Did you think I would fall upon you, showering you   
with all the love in my heart? You're a bonehead, Uranus.   
That's exactly what you are. You're a bonehead."  
The big blonde woman felt the tears well up in her   
eyes. "But... but... I LOVE you." She looked like a lost   
puppy.  
Neptune softened a little. She put her hand on   
Uranus's cheek. "Of course you do, hon. It's not an   
uncommon thing around here. Now, I'm sorry, but Jupiter   
and I really have plans for tonight. You're going to have   
to leave now."   
"But..."  
Neptune twisted her face in such a way that exuded   
blinding prettiness. "Please, Uranus."  
Miserably, Uranus began walking slowly toward the   
door. Halfway there, however, she was stopped by   
Neptune's voice.  
"Unless, of course, you feel like joining us."  
Uranus stopped.  
"Is that okay with you, Jupiter?" Neptune asked.  
"Sure," Jupiter said. "I've been in love with her   
for a while."  
"Me too," Neptune said. She went to Uranus. "See,   
hon? We've got this all in perspective. Come on. Enjoy   
your love, like the rest of us."  
Uranus thought to herself for a minute. Then she   
smiled.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
Ami stared at the computer screen in bemusement. It   
was unusual for the hospital staff to allow their wards to   
have computers, but they figured to make an exception in   
Ami's case, who seemed to use her computer as an outlet.   
This is an admittedly lame contrivance, but let's just   
roll with it, capiche? It doesn't make a difference   
anyway, since right now, the computer was more of a   
problem than anything else. Text kept appearing on the   
screen that she did not type there.  
"Why won't you talk to me?" it read.  
Ami blinked, and continued just staring at the   
screen.  
"Puh-LEEEEEEEZ talk to me?" the text wrote.  
"No," she said out loud.  
"Talk to me or I send in some tentacles."  
Ami sighed. "Fine," she muttered. "What is it?"  
"Be polite, now," the text read angrily. "I'm   
contacting you as a show of respect. You don't want me   
to lose my respect for you, now do you?"  
"I suppose not," she replied.   
The text seemed miffed, but did notcomment.   
"Anyway," it read, "The reason I am here is to simply   
apologize to you."  
She raised an eyebrow. "For what?" she asked. "The   
breakdown, or my existence?"  
The text laughed. "Ha ha ha!" it went. "Ha ha ha   
ha! I'm not responsible for your existence, I'm afraid.   
But yes, I do apologize for the breakdown. That's not   
all, though."  
Ami didn't respond.  
"Ask me what else I'm apologizing for." The text   
was peevish.  
Ami rolled her eyes. "What else are you apologizing   
for?" she asked.  
"Everything," the text answered. "This whole damn   
mess. I thought I could do this, but I guess it was too   
big a task for me. I have done you all a disservice,   
especially you. I apologize."  
"I accept your apology," Ami said. "Are you done   
yet?"   
"No, I'm not done yet!" the text snapped. "And I do   
NOT appreciate your attitude! Listen, you supercilious   
bitch, try to think about somebody ELSE'S feelings for a   
change!! This is very difficult for me! I don't like   
admitting I made a mistake any more than you like getting   
your life ruined!"  
Ami did not respond. Her eyes became slightly more   
bloodshot. There was a pause.  
"I'm sorry," the text apologized after a minute. "I   
didn't mean to explode at you like that."  
"That's okay."  
"No, no it's not," the text muttered slowly. "My   
feelings for you... all of you... are stronger than is   
probably healthy. It makes me do strange things   
sometimes."  
"Don't worry about it."  
"I have to worry about it. It's the reason I did   
this in the first place." There was a pause, and then the   
text came quickly, almost frantically. "But you have to   
understand, I mean, you have to know... I never meant to   
hurt any of you. I never meant for anything bad to   
happen. I just wanted to give you all happy endings."  
Ami raised her left eyebrow. "Then maybe you should   
have left well enough alone," she reproached harshly. "We   
had a happy enough ending as it was."  
"I know. I know, and I'm sorry."  
"I already accepted your apology," Ami said.   
"You're right," the text read adamantly. "I need to   
start work on fixing the mess I've made with your friends.   
I've got to make things better."  
There was a pause. The text cursor stayed in place,   
blinking regularly. Ami wasn't sure if it was done or   
not, but after a minute or two it started up again.  
"Oh," the text read. "One more thing, just so   
you'll be prepared. You'll be getting a visitor in a few   
days. Remember Urawa?"  
Ami's eyes widened. "No, you didn't..."  
"Yes, I did. As soon as he 'heard' about your   
condition, he bought the first ticket down here. His new   
fiancee isn't quite sure what to make of this, and she   
suspects he's still in love with you."  
Ami's mouth fell open.  
"She's right," the text confessed.  
"I can't believe you..." Ami murmured hoarsely.   
"How could you do this to me?"  
"Sorry," the text read. "It's good drama."  
And then the cursor stopped blinking, and the text   
started fading away. Within a few seconds, the monitor   
was completely blank. Ami's eyes narrowed.  
She stood up, and, with strength neither she nor   
anyone else knew she had, she picked up the computer and   
heaved it against the far wall. It made quite a loud   
smashing noise when it hit.  
Doctors and nurses quickly rushed into the room.   
Alarmed by Ami's sudden, inexplicable show of violence,   
they immediately took away her computer privileges,   
doubled the amount of her medication, and instituted a   
strict "no visitors" policy until further notice.  
Ami looked up at the ceiling and smiled   
triumphantly.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
Carl checked himself out in his full-length mirror.   
He flexed and posed and admired his own naked body. He   
traced his chiseled six-pack with a surprisingly delicate   
finger, and smiled. He noted that his smile was both   
stunning and inviting.   
"I'm a fox," he said out loud. "No wonder she loves   
me so much."  
  
  
Meanwhile, Venus was sitting at the lunch counter in   
the palace's commissary, drowning her sorrows in a mug of   
cocoa. She stared into the murky, brown liquid, seeing,   
to her distress, Jupiter's face smirking back at her.  
"Something the matter with your drink?" a chipper   
voice asked, startling Venus out of her melancholy. She   
looked up to see JunJun standing on the other side of the   
counter, grinning. JunJun was, of course, a member of the   
Asteroid Senshi, who a few years ago had wandered into the   
castle, declaring their identities and scaring the hell   
out of everybody. With crappy powers and no real duties,   
they were soon forced to take positions among the palace   
staff to justify their status as senshi.   
JunJun held the cushy position of the palace   
kitchen's head chef and bartender. She made a Sex on   
the Beach that will stand right up and smack you in the   
face as you drink it down, and her desserts were the stuff   
of legends.  
"No, it's fine," Venus replied. She took a sip to   
prove it. JunJun shrugged and walked off to wipe up a   
spill somebody, probably one of those damn palace guards,   
had made on one of the tables.  
Venus sighed. She glared down in the mug, poking   
her imagination with little mental forks in an attempt to   
coerce it to stop visualizing Jupiter everywhere. It did   
not work.  
She didn't like Jupiter anymore. She didn't like   
what she represented or what she stood for, but mainly she   
didn't like the place the tall woman had in her heart.  
Jupiter was not her lover.   
Carl was supposed to be the one who haunted her   
thoughts. Carl was supposed to be the one she saw   
everywhere. But, try as she might, she could not make his   
image appear, floating on top of the liquid like a   
colorful, masculine scum.  
Venus closed her eyes and then opened them again,   
this time trying to force her mind to imagine Neo-Serenity   
in the cocoa mug. The image came easily. The queen's   
huge eyes stared up at her, a sad smile accompanying them.   
But, when Venus blinked, Jupiter's face again forced   
itself into her thoughts and her cocoa.  
"Go away," she muttered. "I don't love you."  
"I doubt it loves you, either," JunJun remarked,   
walking past with a wet rag in her hand. "It is just a   
mug. I doubt you two are compatible anyways." She   
grinned as she stood over the sink and wrung the dirty   
water out of the cloth.  
Venus grunted. JunJun leaned on the bar and fixed   
her with an odd look. "Stop me if this is an imposition,"   
she said, "but would it kill you to smile once in a   
while?"  
Venus raised her right eyebrow. "What are you   
talking about?" she grumbled.  
Jun-Jun shrugged and pointed at the mug. "I serve   
you a damn good cup of cocoa, and instead of enjoying it,   
you just mope and let it get cold. I've known you a few   
years, Venus, and in that time I've only seen you actually   
let go and enjoy yourself... three or four times, max."  
"More than that," Venus protested.  
"Okay, maybe," JunJun conceded, "But still not   
nearly as much as you should! My god, you're a SENSHI!   
I, of course, am not REALLY a senshi, so I don't know   
exactly what it's like, but just take an objective look at   
your life. You're rich, famous, powerful, immortal...   
more than anyone else in the universe, you're supposed to   
have it made!"  
"I used to smile," Venus muttered. "I think... it's   
hard to remember that far back."  
"I've heard stories," JunJun chuckled. "The other   
inners come in here sometimes and talk about how they   
remember you. Something about a cooking incident that was   
apparently really amusing. Oh, and Jupiter and the queen   
told me about that pure heart episode." She laughed.  
"Oh right," Venus said, almost smiling wistfully.   
"I remember that."  
JunJun kept laughing. "Yeah," she chortled. "Even   
remembering it, they had those things on the back of their   
heads... y'know, whadyacallit, the big wet things."  
"Sweatdrops."  
"Right! They had sweatdrops going down their heads   
just thinking about it. When's the last time you did   
anything that caused people to develop sweatdrops?"  
Venus thought to herself, then shook her head   
blankly. "I don't even remember."  
"See, now, there's your problem," JunJun admonished.   
"You're not wacky enough for your own good!"  
Venus took a sip of her cocoa and raised an eyebrow   
at JunJun. "You think so?"  
"Definitely!" the green-haired woman exclaimed.   
"Besides, this place needs at least one sweatdrop-causer.   
Everyone around here is too stiff and inhibited. We need   
someone nuts to add a little zing to this dull palace   
life."  
Venus raised an eyebrow. "Nuts?"  
"I mean nuts in a good way," JunJun explained.   
"Someone zany and goofy who's not afraid to let their true   
self out!"  
Venus smiled wistfully. "Sounds fun," she murmured.   
"But I don't think that's me anymore. I think I've grown   
up a lot since those days."  
"Don't say that!" JunJun cried. "You still have it   
in you! I know you do!"  
Venus just hung her head and shook it slowly. "Jun,"   
she asked after a minute, fixing the bartender with   
a wavering stare, "what do you know about love?"  
JunJun shrugged. "Not much. I haven't had any   
experience with it, really. Besides," she added, "like I   
said before, I'm not really a senshi. I'm not even in the   
same universe as you, where love is concerned. Sorry."  
"It's okay," Venus said into her mug. "I'm just a   
little confused, is all." She laughed bitterly.   
"Everyone else acts like they know all about love. They   
tell me that Carl and I don't REALLY love each other. Why   
can't they see? How can anyone not understand love so   
badly?"  
JunJun smiled. "But you're Sailor Venus, so you   
know all about it," she remarked.  
"Exactly!" Venus agreed. "But they don't believe   
me!"  
"They're just being good friends and looking out for   
you," JunJun said.  
"They're being jealous assholes, is what they're   
being!" Venus snarled. She drank down some cocoa. "I   
wish I knew exactly what could reduce them to this level."  
JunJun smiled. She reached under the bar and took   
out a small tape recorder. "I can't help you clarify   
anything," she said, "but maybe this can." She pushed the   
play button.  
Faintly, amidst static, the unmistakable voice of   
Sailor Jupiter was heard. "...been thinking about what   
you said last week."  
And then there was a deep, masculine, sexy voice   
that Venus knew very well. "And the week before. And the   
week before. And the week before. Have you finally made   
up your mind?" She could tell he'd been smiling when he   
said it.  
"Well, I'm not sure," Jupiter replied. "There are   
just so many conflicting issues."  
"What issues?" he nearly sneered. "Everyone knows   
you're not getting any, and baby, I can change that real   
quick."  
There was a pause. "But..." Jupiter emoted, "what   
about Venus's feelings? Have you considered that?"  
He laughed. "I won't tell her if you won't."  
Suddenly, there was the deep scraping sound of cloth   
being rubbed over a microphone. "Carl, please get your   
hand off my breast," Jupiter growled.  
"Sorry, baby." He sounded downright shocked.  
"Let's just get it out," Jupiter said. "All your   
techniques and tactics out the window. Just make your   
proposal."  
"Sure thing, baby," he replied. "I'm proposing that   
you and I spend a fun night together."  
"Having sex."  
"Yeah," he said.  
"Yeah what?"  
"Yeah, having sex!" he exclaimed. "What's wrong   
with you?"  
"And the fact that you're Venus's boyfriend is not   
an issue."  
"Well, I don't see her anywhere around. Do you?"  
Jupiter chuckled. "No," she answered. "Which means   
she won't get mad at me for doing THIS!"  
There was a jostling and a deep thump sound,   
followed by Carl's masculine baritone: "Whooooof!!"  
"Oops!" Jun-Jun exclaimed, shutting off the tape   
recorder. "I was supposed to stop it before that. Sorry.   
Don't pay attention to that part."  
Venus did not reply.  
"He does that all the damn time, y'know, to all of   
us. Jupiter figured you wouldn't believe us unless she   
got proof, see."  
Venus did not reply.  
"You aren't gonna go all Palla-Palla on me, are you?   
I'm just the messenger."  
Venus stiffly turned around and walked out of the   
room.  
  
  
Meanwhile, Carl's mirror-flexing had reached a   
crescendo of motion and smugness. He grinned at his own   
shirtless torso, admired it. He was trying so hard to   
love himself.  
Suddenly, a wavering finger reached out and tapped   
him on the shoulder.  
He yelped and turned around, but relaxed when he saw   
Venus standing there. "Why'd you sneak up on me like   
that?" he asked, reaching for his shirt.  
Venus did not reply.  
"What the hell's the matter with you?" Carl asked,   
more curious than concerned.  
Venus did not reply.  
"What is that behind your back? Is that a baseball   
bat?"  
Venus did not reply.  
"What the hell are you doing carrying around a   
baseball bat?"  
Venus did not reply.  
Carl shrugged. "Oh well. Wanna fuck?"  
Venus raised an eyebrow. "You are TOAST," she said.  
Carl only got out a quick screech before she   
pounced.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
Sailor Jupiter sat on her bed, not really doing   
anything at all.  
She wasn't even thinking about anything in   
particular. Her day was so packed with training and   
activities and public relations stunts and arguments and a   
million other things she just had to barrel on through...   
it was nice to be able to just sit in her room, mind a   
blank, letting the world turn by itself for a change.   
Someone knocked on her door. She turned to face it,   
remaining as relaxed as possible. "Come in," she called.  
The door opened. Sailor Venus stood there, a wild   
grin spread across the lower half of her face.  
This was disturbing for two reasons. First of all,   
Jupiter could not remember the last time Venus had   
willingly come to visit her. Second, her colleague's   
facial expression was so unusual, so unlike her... to tell   
the truth, it set Jupiter's hair on end.  
"Hey," Venus greeted cheerfully. "How are you   
doing?"  
"I'm fine," Jupiter answered warily. There was an   
awkward silence.  
"I broke up with Carl," Venus said right out of the   
blue, a technique she hoped would create the appropriate   
amount of shock.  
It worked.  
"What?" Jupiter gasped.  
"It was the right thing to do," Venus explained.   
"If what I had with him was love, then to hell with the   
whole damn thing." she giggled. "My god, this feels so   
GOOD! It's as if this huge weight... like a bowling ball   
that's been on my shoulders for years and years has   
suddenly been broken open and it's hollow inside and   
doesn't weigh anything at all. You're the first person   
I've told, you know."  
Jupiter stood up and faced Venus, her mouth still   
hanging slightly open. "Was it... JunJun?"  
"Yeah," Venus replied. "Well, it was everything,   
but that was what set me off."   
"Where is he now?" Jupiter asked, still a bit   
disquieted.  
"Uh... outside somewhere," Venus answered. "I threw   
him out the window."  
Jupiter sweatdropped. "Is he dead?"  
"I don't think so," Venus said. She giggled again.   
"But he's REALLY badly hurt."  
Jupiter sweatdropped again. Truthfully, she thought   
the riddance had been good, but that didn't seem like a   
polite thing to say about a possibly crippled man. "So...   
uh, what are you going to do now?"  
"I'm going to form a new outlook towards life,"   
Venus replied confidently. "Independent woman, that's me.   
I don't need a man, I don't want a man."  
"I'm so glad for you," Jupiter said. "You're just   
so much better than he is. You're..." She trailed off   
when she saw Venus's face suddenly become ashamed and   
vulnerable. "What is it?"  
"I'm sorry, Jupiter."  
Jupiter started to dismiss the apology, but was   
silenced by Venus grabbing her arm. "You never gave up,"   
she whispered. "I was so cruel to you, and you never gave   
up trying to make me know that I was unhappy."  
"I... I just didn't like seeing you so bitter and   
depressed," Jupiter replied, embarrassed. "It hurt me to   
see you that way."  
Tears welled up in Venus's eyes as she continued   
staring into Jupiter's. "And you did everything you could   
to help me, even when I rejected you." She sniffled, and   
held her friend's hand lightly. "You are so wonderful,   
Jupiter. So kind, so loyal..."  
Jupiter blushed and looked at the ground.  
"So beautiful..."  
Jupiter's breath caught in her throat and she choked   
on it. Gasping and coughing, she whipped her head back up   
to face Venus. "Wha...?"  
Venus closed her eyes and squeezed Jupiter's hand.   
"I thought I loved him," she whispered, "but love's   
supposed to be the greatest feeling in the world... and   
the greatest feeling I've ever had is right now, with   
you."  
Jupiter didn't answer. Venus smiled, leaned in   
towards her fellow senshi, and kissed her on the lips.   
Jupiter was not surprised or shocked. She kissed back   
immediately.  
And it was a magical kiss they shared. There was no   
passion, no lust. Their arms hung limply by their sides,   
their bodies burned not with desire... but with simple   
joy.  
Then they broke, and Venus brought her hand up to   
Jupiter's wet cheek and they simply looked at each other.   
"Why are you crying?" Venus asked, wiping away the   
tears as best she could.  
Jupiter laughed softly, tears still streaming down   
her cheeks. "I don't know," she murmured. "I guess...   
I'm just so happy."  
Venus wrapped her arms around her friend and   
squeezed tight. "I love you, Jupiter," she whispered.  
"I love you too, Venus," Jupiter replied.  
And they meant every word of it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The present  
  
The psychologist sat in her office, reviewing her   
dayplanner. She always looked forward to her next client,   
whose problems were a welcome break from everyone else's   
mundane, everyday complaints of work stress and strained   
marriages and such. Still, she was a bit frustrated, as   
her notes for each session were usually too surreal for   
her training to handle. But she didn't have time to   
ponder this further, since there was a knock on the door,   
and it was time to put on her mask of ambivalence.  
"Come in," the psychologist called. Kino Makoto   
walked in and gave a polite greeting, which was returned   
with an equal amount of politeness.  
"Well," Makoto began, sitting down on the   
comfortable, cushy couch. "What did you have in mind for   
today?"  
The psychologist smiled warmly and took a sip of her   
coffee. "I was thinking about this before you came in,"   
she said, "and I came to the conclusion that in this stage   
of the process, it would be a good idea to try a little   
hypnosis, to help find the source of those anxieties you   
talked about last week. Would that be okay with you?"  
Makoto nodded. "Sure, if you think that would   
help."  
"Have you had any experience with this kind of thing   
before?"  
"Kind of," Makoto answered. "My friend Rei has   
taught me a few meditation exercises. And," she chuckled,   
"a few of the bad guys we've fought over the years have   
had hypnotic-type powers. We've all been hit with that at   
one time or another."  
The psychologist laughed softly. "Well, this isn't   
exactly the same thing," she said. "I'll just be relaxing   
you, and then bringing you back to the source of some of   
your problems, probably back into your past life, since...   
are you okay?"  
Makoto blinked. "Yes, why?"  
"When I mentioned your past life, your facial   
expression shifted. Why?"  
"Oh, ah," Makoto stuttered nervously, "it's nothing,   
really. It just reminded me of something I was talking to   
Minako-chan about earlier this week."  
"What?"  
"Oh, it's not important. Just her new boyfriend.   
Apparently, he lived on the moon, too, and was resurrected   
at the same time we were. They just met again."  
"What's the problem?"  
Makoto shrugged. "I don't know. She's just... I   
dunno. It was just a very unproductive talk."  
"Are you jealous?" the psychologist asked.  
Makoto thought about that. "A little, I guess," she   
admitted eventually. "She does spend all her time with   
him, and, with Rei out with HER new boyfriend all the time   
too... it's just not the same. I'm a little angry I don't   
get to see them as much anymore, especially Minako."  
The psychologist cleared her throat and looked   
Makoto square in the eye. "Do you wish your relationship   
with Minako was more than what it is?"  
Makoto laughed nervously. "No," she answered.   
"Trust me, you're not the first person to suspect that,   
and really, no. I don't wish she and I were..."  
"I understand. I ask because you interpreted my   
earlier question in an interesting way. When I asked if   
you were jealous, I meant, 'Are you jealous of Minako for   
having a boyfriend?'"   
"Oh," Makoto said. She squinted her face in thought   
and shook her head. "Not really," she said, a little   
surprised. "I hadn't really even thought about that,   
actually. Her boyfriend is cute, I guess, but I'm   
certainly not attracted to him. I never really thought of   
him as anything but an Ugly American."  
"Would you like a boyfriend?"  
"Sure!" she answered immediately. "When I see a hot   
guy, and he smiles at me, I definitely want him to be my   
boyfriend." She laughed. "I think I'm getting dreamy in   
the eyes just thinking about it."  
The psychologist chuckled. "I know the feeling,"   
she said warmly. "Now let me ask you this: Do you need a   
boyfriend?"  
Makoto didn't answer immediately; she had to think   
about it for a bit. But as she thought, the dreamy look   
slowly deserted her eyes, only to be replaced by a   
rational one. "No," she answered finally. "I do not."  
"Then you don't have anything to worry about," the   
psychologist said.  
Makoto raised her eyebrow. "Well," she said, "might   
I ask, what do you know of love, doctor?" She bowed her   
head apologetically. "I don't mean to imply that you are   
bad at your job. But so many people pretend to be experts   
in matters of love. They dispense advice and write poetry   
or long stories or popular music, when they don't even   
understand the simple emotion."  
The psychologist smiled. "That's a fair question,"   
she said. "I am the first to admit that love baffles me   
more than anything else in the world." She held up her   
left hand, which held no rings. "I am a divorcee."  
Makoto seemed a bit startled. "Oh," she sputtered,   
"I'm sorry..."  
"No, it's fine. We both know it was the right thing   
to do." The shrink put her clipboard aside and looked at   
Makoto straight on with honest eyes. "But I am an   
observer. Every day people come into my office convinced   
they are in love because they have found someone   
attractive and virile they can make out with."  
Makoto sat in shocked silence.  
The shrink's eyes turned a bit tender for a moment.   
"But you understand the distinction, of course. You   
probably have more common sense than anyone I have ever   
met. I see so many people who say they need love but   
don't even know what it is. It's sad, really."  
Makoto's silence continued.  
The psychologist's eyes became hard suddenly. "In   
all my years of observing, I have learned what love is.   
I've seen it with my own eyes and have learned to define   
it. It is two people who grow old and die together. A   
couple who recognizes that there is an end coming... and   
prays every day that it will come simultaneously for   
both."  
Makoto blinked.  
The shrink's eyes closed, and she leaned back and   
picked up her clipboard again. "That is why the gods do   
not understand romance," she sighed. "Because they are   
immortal."  
Makoto's mouth opened and words came out in a rasp,   
as if she hadn't spoken for years on end. "You don't have   
much hope for me, do you?"  
"No, no, not at all," the shrink replied. "I have a   
lot of hope for you. I just don't have much hope for   
love." She smiled and held up her hand again. "But then   
again, I'm just a bitter divorcee."  
Makoto smiled back.   
"Well, that's enough rambling on my part, don't you   
think?" the psychologist asked. "Are you ready to delve   
into the past?"  
"Certainly, doctor," Makoto answered smoothly. But,   
deep in the back of her mind, she couldn't tell if she   
felt better about things... or horribly, horribly worse.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
Saturn dumbly stared at the computer screen. She   
read the email, once, twice, three times. It was no   
mistake...  
  
"Dear Sailor Saturn!  
I represent a club dedicated solely to meeting you. We   
call ourselves the   
"Saturn no Otaku". We are made up of guys, ages 12-20, who   
are absolutely   
crazy about you! We think all the other hype about the   
other senshi is just   
that-hype. We think you're the strongest, the prettiest,   
and the best senshi   
EVER!   
We request you do us the honor of attending a luncheon we   
are having in your   
honor. We will try to keep our praises to an unembarassing   
minimum-but no   
promises! ^_^  
Please come. It is in a week at the Crystal Tokyo   
Fujishiro ballroom. Dress   
is formal.  
(this is just a personal aside-I really, really want you   
to come. I've watched   
you in action for a long time now, and im REALLY excited.   
Please sit at my   
table? I'd love to get to know you!)  
  
Sincerely  
  
Sean Moroboshi"  
  
She grinned. "Well..." This was interesting. A whole   
club of boys that were in love with her? Was it even   
possible?   
She leaned back, face bathed in the glow of the   
screen, considering the possibilities. Wouldn't that be   
something, a crowd of boys dedicated to her...  
She looked around the room. confirming no one was   
there, she picked up a handmirror and studied her face   
with an almost scientific curiosity. She wasn't ugly. She   
could confirm that. It was just a beauty you had to be   
around a lot to understand, she supposed.  
Sure, being the specter of the worlds demise lent   
her a certain darkness. She would never understand how   
the other senshi were so damned cheerful all the time. The   
simple explanation was that they were idiots. A more   
complex explanation was that although their powers were   
great, they were slowly learning to cope. Their wishes to   
be normal teenage girls (in love) overrode all else, so they   
put up a cheerful facade to deny the pressures of the job   
they faced.  
Although a large factor was simply that they were   
all idiots.  
She glared at the mirror, stuck her tongue out, and   
giggled. "I'm smarter than all of you..."   
She returned to the computer screen and clicked the   
reply button.   
  
"Dear Sean:"  
  
She stared at the screen. How could she properly   
phrase this? How could she reply in a way that was modest,   
but charming, one that reassured them she knew exactly   
what she was worth?   
Venus would have been able to do it.   
A shadow passed over her face. Indeed, Venus got  
about 50 mails like this a day. This would be nothing new   
for her, the pretty bitch.   
What the hell was so great about Sailor Venus,   
anyway? She was pretty, yeah, fine. Big-breasted and   
hollow-headed, a bubblebrain in the first degree. She'd be   
a fucking secretary if it wasn't for astral destiny.   
A noise behind her caused her to quickly shut the   
windows on her computer screen. She turned to see Uranus   
standing in the doorway. "Yes?" Saturn asked.  
Uranus looked uncomfortable. "Jupiter and I are   
going to go bowling," she said, "and I just came to see   
if you wanted to join us. We can try to get Chibi-Usa to   
come too..."  
Saturn scowled at the young princess' name. So many   
bad memories...  
Uranus frowned paternally. "Are you okay?" she   
asked.  
Memories of what they had done, alone, in the big   
empty house, memories of what they had felt and what it   
all meant... it made her ill just to think of it. "Yes,   
I'm fine. But I don't think..."  
"Come on, Saturn," Uranus interrupted. "It would do   
you good to get out. You spend too much time in front of   
the computer."  
"Thanks, MOM," Saturn replied facetiously. "Hey,   
why isn't Neptune going? I thought you two spent every   
second together."  
Uranus noticeably blanched. "We're... having an   
argument right now," she sputtered. "But we'll work it   
out. We love each other too much to not work it out."  
Saturn scowled. "Love, huh?" she nearly snarled.  
"Not in that way!" Uranus snapped reflexively. Then   
she calmed, and sighed as if her heart was breaking. "But   
we do love each other. And we love you. All of us do.   
That's not a crime, you know."  
Saturn blankly met Uranus's tender gaze. "No, it's   
not, is it?" she muttered softly.  
gazing into deep red eyes...  
"Okay," she said. "I'll go. Just let me finish up   
here. I'll meet you downstairs, okay?"  
Uranus grinned. "Great." She exited, obviously   
surprised and happy.  
Saturn looked in the handmirror again, this time   
frowning. No, she wasn't pretty. Not pretty at all.   
She wanted no part of the media blitz, the fan   
adulation, the massive amount of love poured out to the   
pretty ones. She was better than that, no matter what.   
Her reply came to her at that moment, and she sent   
it off a moment later with more than a little   
satisfaction:  
  
  
"Dear Sean:  
  
"Sorry. But I'll see if Venus can go instead."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
Queen Serenity was laughing. She covered up her   
mouth to keep toast and jelly from spraying out.   
"It wasn't that funny," Pluto said.  
"Yes it was," Serenity chuckled. "I can't BELIEVE   
he said that to you!"  
"I swear it's true," Pluto said. "Worst come-on   
line I've ever heard. Ever. Which is saying a lot."  
Serenity shook her head, still laughing. "Oh, poor   
Venus," she said, trying to be serious, but giggling too   
hard to pull it off.  
Pluto nodded and sipped her milk as the queen's   
laughter died away. There was a brief, not awkward   
silence.  
"Serenity?" Pluto said quietly.  
"Yes?"  
"Can I ask you a question?"  
"Of course. But drink your tea while you're doing   
it, it's getting cold."  
Pluto sipped her tea. "Serenity... I never   
understood this. The ginzuishou can work with any energy   
in the universe, correct?"  
"Yep," the queen replied. "Any energy we've come   
across so far, anyway."  
"That's what I thought," Pluto said. "Then, with so   
many different kinds of energy available to power the   
senshi... why choose love?"  
Serenity shrugged. "It's more of an experiment than   
anything else. I mean, what does every book, poem, and   
song from all time say is the most powerful force in the   
universe?"  
Pluto raised an eyebrow. "You based this on popular   
culture?"  
"Naw." Serenity chewed on a piece of bacon.   
"Well... yeah, actually. But why not try to harness it,   
y'know? It's a sweet story if it works: the power of love   
protecting the forces of good. Why not?"  
Pluto shifted her position uncomfortably. "It's a   
little distracting sometimes," she said.  
The queen smiled. "Well, I'm sorry about that. And   
no, you don't have to feel guilty about looking at my   
breasts occasionally."  
Pluto sighed. "Was I being obvious?"  
"No. I know you can't help it. It's okay. I'm not   
a queen until ten a.m."  
Pluto grinned. "And I'm not a Guardian of Time   
'till noon. Isn't it great being people?"  
Serenity raised her orange juice. "I'll drink to   
that," she said.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The future  
  
"You don't love me."  
It was not an accusation. Or a hateful insult, or   
even a plain statement of fact.  
It wasn't really much of anything, and he didn't   
even know why he had thought it necessary to mention.  
Neither did she, but now that it was stuck right out   
there in front of her, she had to come up with a suitable   
response. "Well, you don't love me, either."  
That one was kind of an accusation, but she hid it   
well.  
Not well enough. "Don't be bitter about it. I'm   
not."  
"It's not the same with you. You don't even care!"  
That pissed him off. "After all these years, you   
say that? I could have left at any time! I could have   
left, gone back to America, written a tell-all memoir   
about my life with you, and basked in my millions of   
dollars! How dare you say I don't care?!"  
She looked away. "That's not what I meant," she   
murmured. "I didn't mean that."  
He wanted to know what she had meant, but he also   
wasn't about to give her the satisfaction from directly   
asking. So she had to continue without prompting.  
"You... you just stay with me because you want to,"   
she said. "You don't have to."  
"Have to? What the hell are you talking about?!"  
She looked farther away. "My entire life, all I've   
ever wanted was to have a boyfriend. That's all I talked   
about, that's all I dreamed about... it was my life! That   
and my duties, but the duties came without my even trying.   
The boyfriend never came.  
"But then you showed up, and you stayed with me!   
YOU WERE MY BOYFRIEND!! DON'T YOU SEE?! YOU WERE MY   
BOYFRIEND!!"  
He didn't think the situation warranted screaming,   
and he said so. He also said that it wasn't his fault   
that her priorities were all screwed up.   
"I know," she didn't scream. "I know, and... it's   
not your fault. It's not... you stayed with me. It's not   
your fault. But... you don't understand. My earliest   
memory is lying in my crib wanting a boyfriend. All girls   
are like that, I think... at least the other senshi are.   
Well, the inners, anyway. We NEED a man, or our lives   
just aren't complete."  
He sniggered resentfully. "So that's all I am to   
you. I'm nothing, is that it? I could be anybody, just   
as long as you could call me your boyfriend!"  
She was silent.  
"I could still leave," he yelled frantically. "Any   
time I want! I could leave and marry some American model,   
and I wouldn't give a shit!!"  
He punctuated the final profanity with a kick to the   
wall. He breathed hard from the excess of emotion. Her   
breathing was so soft she couldn't even hear it herself.  
She considered threatening him. After all, she   
could easily kill him with a flick of her wrist, and no   
one would be the wiser. Shit, ENDYMION had died, and   
nobody ever considered seriously that anyone in the palace   
had anything to do with it.  
There could easily be an accident. Pluto could set   
it all up, and...  
She was a senshi, after all. Who wouldn't love a   
senshi? The whole WORLD loves the senshi! She could have   
any man she wanted! And when she chose one, he would love   
her forever, and wouldn't just care about her for her fame   
and money and power and...  
Damn.  
By this time, he had gotten bored of her indecision   
and started walking towards the door.  
She reached out her hand, an impotent gesture since   
his back was to her. "Please, John, wait, please wait..."   
She was just barely reserved enough for it to be pleading,   
not babbling. "Please listen, John wait, please..."  
He stopped, but did not turn around.  
"Don't leave," she whimpered.  
He turned back to look at her. The whites of his   
eyes were fiery-red. "I'm afraid, too," he said softly,   
"but I can't keep fooling you. You have everything in the   
world but love. Can't you be content?"  
"No!" she screamed. "I'M A GIRL!!! I... NEED...   
LOVE!!"  
He walked closer, tear-streaks on his face, and   
kissed her on the cheek. "I'm sorry. I'll always try to   
love you." Then he turned around and walked out the door   
for the very last time ever.   
He was halfway down the stairs when a fireball   
streaked past his head. Strangely contented, he ran for   
his life.  
And, strangely contented, Sailor Mars chased him   
until he was beyond the palace grounds, screaming   
obscenities as she ran. She meant every word of them.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The near-future  
  
It had been two years since the John/Carl arrival.   
An evil queen and a monster-like thing had come with evil   
plans and been defeated by the senshi with ease. The Dark   
Master was forgotten, Harold and his monsters laughed off   
as a pathetic solo conquest attempt.  
Down in the cellar of an old castle, the Dark Master   
sat on his throne. All his advisors were in attendance,   
arguing.  
"We have been here two and a half years," a general   
said. "Two and a half years! We could have found...   
eight senshi-less planets and conquered them with a   
minimum of resistance! It's all been a waste. We need to   
move on, sir."  
"We can't leave!" a magician protested. "Since we   
got here, we have been working day and night on that big   
planet-freezing spell, and we're finally ready with it!   
We can finally do what no one else, not even Galaxia,   
could do: show up Sailor Moon! We'll be the most   
respected Evil Villains in the universe!"  
"Oh, stop with your stupid magic bullshit," a   
scientist scoffed.  
"Bullshit?!"  
"Yes, bullshit. It's bullshit."  
"I'll..."  
"I fail to see the importance of this Sailor Moon,"   
the scientist stated, ignoring the magician. "I thought   
we were out for power, not prestige."  
"Oh, who cares about power!" the magician burst out.   
"Galaxia insulted us... thinking she was so big! Called   
us all 'schmucks', remember that?"  
"Yeah, well, she's gone now," the general said.   
"We're not gaining any ground here, and that idiotic   
grudge hasn't gotten us any new territory, has it?"  
"SHUT UP!!"  
All eyes in the room turned to the Dark Master,   
whose wet cheeks were shaking with rage. He reached over   
and put his hand softly on the Sailor Mercury keychain he   
kept nearby, then gazed sadly at the outer senshi poster   
on the wall. He stood up and silently removed his Sailor   
Moon T-shirt, placing it over the arm of the sticker-  
covered throne. Without a word, he walked through the   
crowd of advisors to his Magic Viewing Pool.  
It didn't need any command. It knew what to show   
him.  
He sighed out all the contents of his body. He was   
empty, and his skin was floating on a cloud. He smiled,   
and stood, frozen, dreaming of what even he knew would   
never be. Despite the grin, his tears started falling.  
He sank to his knees, sobbing. He looked at his   
advisors with wild dismay. "Do it," he muttered. "Do the   
goddamn freeze thing."  
The general took a step forward. "But sir..."  
"DO IT!!" screeched the Dark Master, lightning   
crackling threateningly around his body.  
They withdrew to set about following his command.   
The Dark Master looked down into his pool at the women   
he'd spent over two years gazing at. "I'm sorry," he   
whispered. "I love you. I'm so sorry."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The past  
  
Beryl was attacking. Pluto ran through the corridor   
as quickly as she could manage. She had to stop to regain   
her balance whenever an explosion shook the castle from   
top to bottom, which was every minute or so. One time she   
fell against a window and caught a glimpse of the soldiers   
on the fields outside. More were dying than she expected.   
She cursed.   
The door at the end of the hallway was closed.   
There were noises coming from the room on the other side   
of it that were audible even above the rumbling blasts and   
sounds of battle only a few scant kilometers away.  
She strode right up to the door and kicked it down.  
Seven naked senshi and three naked pseudo-senshi   
looked up at her, their eyes the only distinguishable body   
parts in the mass of flesh that filled the room. Under   
her stern glare and near-frenzied breathing, they quickly   
untangled themselves.  
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?!" Pluto   
screamed.  
There was a brief silence. Eventually MarsGuy had   
the courage to speak up. "We're all in love, Pluto," he   
said.  
Pluto was going to say something, but a particularly   
severe explosion caused her to lose her balance and nearly   
fall over. "What was that?" Sailor Jupiter asked.  
"Beryl is attacking!!" Pluto yelled. " I have been   
looking for you people EVERYWHERE!! Endymion... the   
princess is going crazy wondering where you are! The   
queen thinks you're all fighting on the battlefield!"  
They stared at her in shock.  
"GET DRESSED!!"   
They did, frantically, except all the fukus looked   
alike and nobody was struggling to get on the right one.   
Pluto continued fuming, gripping her staff so hard   
all the tan went out of her fingers and trying desperately   
to control her erratic breathing. "This can't go on!" she   
yelled at them. "I swear, that does it! Next life, no   
love for ANY of you!"  
Immediately all motion in the room ceased. They   
stared up at her with genuinely frightened eyes. Endymion   
was the first to find his voice. "You... you can't DO   
that..." he stammered. "You..."  
"I can't, but the QUEEN sure as hell can!" Pluto   
screeched. "And you can bet she WILL, when she hears   
about this!! HURRY THE FUCK UP!!" She punctuated this by   
smashing her staff into the wall, which immediately   
developed a large hole. They hurried.  
Eventually they were all wearing the correct   
uniforms, and then they ran downstairs to fulfil their   
duty. But, deep down inside, their hearts weren't in it.  
Another blast rocked the countryside.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
__________________  
Special thanks abound: Victor Naqvi, Heles MacAnemy,   
Ysabet MacFarland, Alison Cappellieri, Amanda Anderson,   
Helen Szetzo, Elisabeth Hegerat, Jason Tucker, Mary Beth   
Mareski, Vera LaPorte, Matt Redding, Sean Gaffney, Jackie   
Chiang, Beth Harrington, and Harmony  



End file.
